Free No More Mr. Nice Guy! by Unknown Page A

have to hide their perceived flaws or mistakes.
    ● People can love them just as they are.
    As recovering Nice Guys begin to apply the principles described in this chapter they can embrace the reality that they are human. Like every other human, Nice Guys make mistakes, use poor judgment, and act inappropriately. Nevertheless, their humanity doesn't make them bad or unlovable nor does it cause other people to stop loving them.
    Imperfect humans can only connect with other imperfect humans. Most folks tend to be attracted to individuals who have some substance and sense of self. Chameleons usually don't draw much of a crowd or get many ovations.
    By shedding their chameleon skin and learning to please themselves, recovering Nice Guys begin to experience the intimacy and connection they have always desired. By learning to approve of themselves, they begin to radiate a life energy and charisma that draws people to them. As Nice Guys stop seeking approval and stop trying to hide their perceived flaws, they open a door to start getting what they really want in love and life.

    Chapter

    Make Your Needs
    A Priority

    "I want you to know that I'm really uncomfortable with that thing we talked about last week."
    Lars, an anxiety-filled executive, began his second session of counseling with this statement. Lars had come to see me on the encouragement of his wife. He reported being generally depressed and unhappy for as long as he could remember. In recent months he had found it difficult to sleep at night and was experiencing migraine headaches on a regular basis. Even though everything in his life seemed to be
    "fine" — good job, nice home, family, etc. — he never seemed to be happy.
    In his first counseling session, Lars revealed that he had constant fantasies of "chucking it all" and disappearing to somewhere else in the world. These thoughts made him feel guilty, so he kept them to himself.
    In that session I asked Lars what he did for himself. He gave me a puzzled look. "What do you mean?"
    he asked.
    I repeated the question.
    After a pause, he answered, "Not much, I guess."
    For the rest of the session, I shared with him the importance of making his needs a priority and taking responsibility for finding ways to meet them. This discussion was met with both fear and resistance from Lars. The same hesitancy was repeated as he began his second counseling session.
    "Which part of our discussion last week made you uncomfortable?" I asked.
    "All of it," he responded. "That part about making my needs a priority really made me uptight."
    I asked him what part about taking responsibility for his needs made him anxious.
    "Everything," he responded. "That seems like that would make me selfish and self-centered."
    "What's wrong with that?" I asked.
    Lars looked at me with amazement. "What's wrong with that," he replied, "is that being selfish would make me too much like my old man. All he ever thought about was himself and the rest of us suffered as a result. I just couldn't do that. I couldn't be a self-centered S.O.B. like him. I've got a wife, kids, a job, a mortgage, and bills to pay. There's no room for me to start behaving like my father."
    Low Maintenance Kinds Of Guys
    Lars is a fairly typical Nice Guy when it comes to his needs. Nice Guys generally focus their attention on meeting everyone else's needs while trying to be "low maintenance" kinds of guys themselves. When I talk with them about making their needs a priority, their response is similar to that of Lars.
    This ubiquitous pattern among Nice Guys is the result of childhood conditioning. When a child's needs are not met in a timely, healthy manner, the child may come to believe he is "bad" for having needs. He may also think that it is his needs that cause people to hurt him or abandon him. Typically Nice Guys respond to these inaccurate interpretations of their life events by developing a number of survival mechanisms.
    ● Trying to appear needless and wantless.
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