Free Exposure by Annie Jocoby

release from the agony that led to my suicide attempt and subsequent stay in the mental hospital.
    I bit my lip and shook my head. “No, Asher, I won’t do it. As much as it’s tempting just to have money that would save me from bankruptcy court and having to go on social security disability, I can’t lower myself like that. I’m sorry.”
    And as I looked at his gorgeous face, I realized that I wasn’t sorry at all. Fury started to bubble up from down below and flood my every pore. How dare he try to use me like that? Lead me on, make me think that he was really interested in me?
    I also realized something else. My panic disorder wasn’t cured at all. I might have been able to overcome it for a short period of time, I guess because being with Asher made me forget my issues. But, because I suddenly realized that he was playing me for a fool all along, this protective shield suddenly went away.
    And I realized anew where I was. In Central Park. In a boat in the middle of the lake. Essentially trapped. No place to go.
    My chest started squeezing again, and I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t have my inhaler with me, either. Not being able to breathe made me panic all the more. I felt like my entire life was being constricted as I sat there on the boat.
    Asher took one look at me gasping like that, and immediately started rowing like crazy, trying to get me back to shore. “Stay with me, CJ, stay with me,” he was saying. “Oh, God, this was such a bad idea. I’m so sorry, CJ, please forgive me.”
    I was gasping like a fish out of water. I kept trying to get air into my lungs, but it wasn’t working. This was unlike any other attack that I had ever had.
    Was this it? Was I going to suffocate?
    I watched as Asher frantically was dialing his phone to call for help while he rowed at the same time. “I need paramedics on shore immediately,” he was saying.
    It seemed like forever before we got to shore and Asher helped me out of the boat. I was put on a stretcher immediately, and, thank God, somebody put an oxygen mask on me. Relief flooded me as my lungs were filled with air.
    Then I was loaded into the ambulance and taken to the nearest hospital.

11
    I was taken to the ER, and released that same night. I was stabilized and monitored, and, once my vital signs returned to normal, it was time for me to go home.
    Asher, to his credit, stayed in the hospital the entire time.
    But I had no desire for him to take me home. I had no idea how I was going to get home, but it wasn’t going to be in his limo.
    I was done with that guy.
    “CJ, now wait. You’re not being sensible here,” he said. “I think that you know that you can’t take a cab home.” We were in the lobby of the ER, sitting on the chairs. He had a cup of coffee in his hand, and another one sitting on the chair next to him. I didn’t drink, coffee, however, so I refused his apparent olive branch towards me.
    “Yes, Asher, I know that. Goddammit, what were you thinking? You took me out in a boat and then sprung that bullshit on me. I could have died out there. I was suffocating. I wasn’t getting any air into my lungs. That was probably one of the stupidest things that you could do to me. And I’m just going to assume that it wasn’t a deliberately cruel thing on your part, because I don’t have any idea what would motivate you to do such a thing.”
    “No, CJ, it wasn’t deliberate, I promise. I do like you. Please don’t get me wrong. But I can’t love. I don’t have the ability to fall in love. It’s a defect in me, CJ, and I’m sorry. I can’t help that.”
    “Now you tell me. You’ve fucked me like twenty times in the span of three days, and you’re just now telling me that you can’t love? Well, fuck you. And fuck off, too.”
    He looked stricken. “I’m sorry, CJ. I guess I probably shouldn’t have gotten involved with you in your fragile state.”
    “You’re goddamned right about that,” I said. “That’s about the most