Free The Guarded Heart by K. Sterling

quickly.
    “Noooo,” he said and Clint glared as he leaned against the wall and pulled on his shoe.
    “You are a grown goddamned man, Ryder,” he said then switched feet. “Buy some decent fucking furniture,” Clint said and Ryder snorted.
    “Why? People throw away perfectly good stuff all the time and I can make whatever I can’t find for free,” he said and Clint shook his head as he scratched his arm.
    “Oh, my God. I’m itching.” He narrowed his eyes at Ryder as he pulled the door open. “Never again,” Clint promised and Ryder’s brows rose. “We do this at my house from now on,” he said then jumped when Miss Kitty rubbed against his leg. “I swear to God, if Barkley gets fleas, you’re paying for his grooming and an exterminator,” he declared and Ryder cringed.
    “Call me tomorrow?” He asked and Clint shook his head.
    “I have to go home and burn all of this. Then, I’m scrubbing my skin raw. I’m going to need a few days,” he said before he slammed the door shut behind him.

Chapter 12
     
    August 2015
     
     
    Ryder
     
    I’m sorry but I’m not going to be able to make it Friday night.
     
     
    Sam
     
    I’m sorry to hear that. Is everything ok?
     
     
    Ryder
     
    I thought I was ready but I’m not. It wouldn’t be fair to you.
     
     
    Sam
     
    I understand. Give me a call when you are.
     
     
    Ryder swore under his breath as he tossed his phone on the bed and went into the bathroom. He turned on the faucet and filled his hands with cold water and splashed his face. He felt dizzy and a dull pain thudded at the back of his head. His eyes went to the mirror and he frowned at his reflection. He was pale and his eyes looked tired and empty as water dripped from his beard. The muscle in the corner of his jaw twitched as he fought to contain the sob that clawed at his throat. He grabbed a towel and mopped at his face before he flicked off the light and stumbled toward his bed. There was nothing left, his body felt heavy and drained as he fell face first onto the mattress.
    He was never going to move on. Every time he thought he was ready, something triggered a memory and the world was pulled out from under his feet. He tried pretending he was over Clint and the consequences had been terrible. After that, Ryder vowed to be completely honest with himself and anyone that might get hurt. Living with his own heartbreak was bad enough, he didn’t need to compound it with guilt and regret.
    He reached for a pillow and pulled it against his face to block out the light and make the world seem smaller. He couldn’t deal with the idea that somewhere outside of his apartment Clint knew he was back and was thinking about him. The other guy made Ryder’s stomach churn. Jonathan. He was campy and slight and totally wrong for Clint.
    Ryder groaned as he pushed his face into the pillow and considered keeping it there until he suffocated. He wasn’t Clint’s type either and look where they ended up. Every time he took someone’s number or gave his, it was to someone that was the complete opposite of Clint in every way possible and it ended in frustration and disappointment or disaster. Things that worked for Ryder before Clint were all wrong. Those two minutes he spent standing in front of the coffee shop with Clint were the first time in sixteen months Ryder didn’t feel dead from the neck down.
    “It doesn’t matter, you’re going to stay away from him. You can’t go through all of that again,” he said as he toed off his shoes and pulled his knees to his chest. He swung the blanket over his head and shut the world out.

Chapter 13
     
    February 2013
     
    Ryder whistled as he jogged up the steps to Clint’s front door and grinned as Barkley jumped excitedly on the other side of the glass. He would never admit it, but he preferred hanging out at Clint’s. The sex was phenomenal and Ryder loved spending time with Clint but he was kind of in love with Barkley. He knocked and ducked down so