Free Ball Peen Hammer by Lauren Rowe

luck with that.”
    “And don’t try to get a rise out of her either, like you always do with people who annoy you,” Ryan adds. “Just engage in pleasant conversation about the weather or, I dunno, ask her about her hobbies, hopes, and dreams.”
    “Of course,” I say. “The ol’ H, H, and Ds. I got this, baby doll. Ain’t no thang.”
    “And don’t start calling her by some weird nicknames within the first thirty seconds of meeting her, either,” Ryan says. “Not every woman likes to be treated like your fraternity brother, Keane. You gotta feel her out before unleashing the Peen on her.”
    “I don’t treat people like my fraternity brother,” I say defensively. “I wasn’t even in a fraternity.”
    “I mean don’t start calling her Mad Dog or baby doll or sweet cheeks or some other shit like that within the first thirty seconds, okay? Go easy on her. Get a read on her first before you barrage her with your unbridled Peenie-ness.”
    “Save your breath, Rum Cake. Women love me.”
    “They do,” Zander says. “Women love Peenie. And so do I, by the way.” He winks.
    “Thank you,” I say. “I love you, too.”
    Ryan exhales. “You two are Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumbshit, I swear to fucking God.”
    Zander and I simultaneously reach out and high-five each other.
    “Just pretend to be normal, that’s all I’m saying,” Ryan continues.
    “You got it, baby,” I say. “One order of Normal Dude coming right up—hold the mayo. So is that it? Are we done?”
    “Yeah.”
    “Okeedoke. Thanks again for saving my bacon, brah.” I turn around and shuffle toward my room. “Nighty night.”
    “Don’t fuck this up,” Ryan barks at me as I walk away.
    “I heard you the seventh time,” I call over my shoulder. “No fucking up will transpire.”
    I hear Zander chuckling behind me.
    “I don’t know why you’re laughing,” Ryan says. “You’re as big an idiot as Peen. You can’t send a dick-pic to a girl you don’t even know, Z.”
    “It was a strategy , Captain,” Zander replies. “I was sussing her.”
    “ What ?”
    “I was sussing her,” Z says slowly, emphasizing every sound. “I was sussing Maddy Milliken. Back me up on this, Wifey.”
    I stop and turn around, just before reaching the threshold of my bedroom. “Yup. Z was full-on sussing Maddy Milliken.”
    “What the fuck does that even mean?”
    “Sussing,” Zander says. “You know, like luring a gopher outta hole.”
    Ryan makes a face that communicates his disbelief. “Well, I’m sure this poor girl didn’t feel sussed by your big, black cock, Zander—I’m pretty sure she felt more like traumatized . That’s quite a dick you got there, son.”
    “And fuzzy balls,” I add.
    “Yee-boy!” Zander shouts, and I laugh.
    “Go to your room, Keane,” Ryan says, pointing sternly to my bedroom like he’s ordering a misbehaving beagle into his doghouse.
    “Okay, okay,” I say. I turn around and stride purposefully into my bedroom, a huge smile on my face. But just as I turn to shut my door, I hear Ryan’s scolding voice one last time:
    “Jesus, Zander. Haven’t you ever heard of man-scaping, for fuck’s sake? Fuck .”
     
     

Chapter 10
    Maddy
     
    Wednesday, 8:02 a.m.
     
    He’s got blue hair.
    “Hi,” I say, shaking Keane’s hand.
    Keane Morgan’s got blue hair? Well, that’s an unexpected development. His hair is tousled and spikey at the same time—the kind of hairstyle a guy fusses over in the mirror for a solid twenty minutes in order to make it look like he’s just rolled out of bed... and... it’s... blue .
    Huh.
    I’ve seen plenty of girls with blue hair—and I typically think it’s a super cute look for them—but I’ve never seen this look on a guy. And certainly not on a guy who looks like he just rolled in from playing beer pong at a frat party. Definitely not what I was expecting.
    Other than his unexpectedly blue hair, however, I must admit Keane Morgan’s an outrageously