Free Hard Core by Tess Oliver Page A

was, I always wanted to feel the sadness, the despair, the loss. She deserved that , at least. Except that perpetual despair was also stripping me of any chance to feel whole again. Ledger had been the first person to come along and awaken some of the emotions and physical sensations that go along with being a part of the human race. I could continue to spend time floating around that in-between world where I existed but I never really lived. Or I could climb out of the haze and let myself feel life.
    I got up from the couch and walked to the kitchen for a glass of wine. Newton, the giraffe, was staring at me from the corner of the front room. It had been a great day. Ledger was so easy to talk to, and I had to admit, being with him made me happy.
    I sipped my wine and thought back to the few hot moments we’d had before I pushed him away. I’d wanted it just as badly as him, and if I hadn’t landed on the lamb, I was sure I’d be in Ledger’s arms right now. But then again, knowing how good I was at sabotaging my own happiness, I might just have found some other stupid excuse to stop. I wondered if I’d put an end to it because of the sadness or if I was just determined to punish myself. I sometimes thought that if I was feeling too excited or pleased, I needed to squash it. Somewhere along the long, painful road, I’d convinced myself I didn’t deserve a nice ending. I’d made too many mistakes to deserve one.
    I finished my wine. It had produced the slight headiness that I needed. I walked to my front window and looked out at the beach. The sun had set and left behind a clear, starry sky. Here I sat, alone, with my big snoring dog. And just several hundred yards away was a man, who didn’t really look the part, but who, so far, had been an absolute gentleman. I’d never had that before. I’d never had a gentleman.
    I grabbed my sweatshirt off the hook by the door. “Be back soon, Rex.” 

Chapter 13
    -Ledger-
    I glanced one more time down at the beach before stripping and flopping onto my mattress. After waking in an ice cold room every morning, I’d invested in a blanket. There was a floor heater in the room, but it was much better at making stink and noise than it was at producing actual heat.
    I rested back against my pillow and stared up at the yellowed ceiling. The day had started just fine, but I wanted to kick myself for pushing Jacy too fast. The kiss in the Ferris wheel had been as chaste as I could make it considering how often I’d thought about her lips. But I held back and gave her a respectable peck, sure that I wouldn’t need more than that to get me through the day. But when she had returned it with a kiss of her own, making it seem as if she had been thinking about it and wanting it just as badly as me, a rush of emotions came out. All I could think was that I wanted her. All of her.
    My lack of self-control might just have blown the whole fucking plan.
    The sound of the ocean mixed with the quiet twang of the radio. I’d gotten in the habit of leaving it on all night. I’d found that after sleeping in a noisy prison for two years, I needed sound to sleep. The quiet made me think too much.
    I closed my eyes. The music in the room had blocked out the sound of the door. I hadn’t noticed that it’d opened until a rush of ocean scented air swept over me. The dim lights from the clock and radio lit her small figure as she walked toward the mattress.
    I lay there, my heart pounding in my chest, as she stood over the bed. “You should get that door fixed. You never know who might just walk inside.”
    Her blue eyes gazed at me as she pushed her sweatshirt off her shoulders. No words passed between us as I watched her pull off her shirt. As she reached up to the clasp on her bra, I saw that her hands were trembling. The sight of her shaky fingers made my throat tighten. I wanted to pull her into my arms but I waited. Her dark pink nipples hardened beneath my steady gaze. She kicked off her