Free Hard Core by Tess Oliver

Ledger.”
    I took hold of his hand and led him down the hall to my room.
    The second we stepped inside, I threw my arms around his neck and our mouths pressed together. He reached down and fumbled for the edge of my shirt. He leaned back to watch me as he took it off. His gaze went instantly to the swells of my breasts. The hungry look on his face sent a thrilled shiver through me.
    He reached up and hooked his finger under my bra strap. Slowly, he slid it down to expose my naked breast. He lowered his mouth, and I took a deep, shuddering breath as his tongue drew circles around my nipple. Instinctively, I arched my back, pressing my breast firmly against his mouth.
    His hands circled my waist, and he lifted me enough to place me on the bed. The squeak of a toy startled me. I froze in his arms for a second. Then I reached beneath me and pulled out the stuffed lamb. It felt as if the blood was draining from my face as I looked down at the crumpled, fuzzy lamb in my hand. It had been right there, the darkness was right at the edge of my mind, but I’d tried my hardest to keep it back because I wanted this. But that was all it had taken, the one unexpected squeak, and the cold feeling crept back in, taking over and changing my mind for me.
    I didn’t lift my face to look at Ledger as I pulled my bra strap up over my shoulder. I didn’t need to look at him. His disappointment was palpable. So was mine. I felt the excited energy that had been coursing through my body just seconds before drain away.
    “I’m sorry, Ledger.” The tremor in my voice couldn’t be hidden. I pulled in a deep, painful breath as I peered up at him. There was no frustration or anger, just sad resolve, almost as if he knew what I was thinking. Ledger had an uncanny ability to understand me without me having to tell him. “I thought I was ready for this . . .”
    I knew from the rigid way he held himself that it had been a huge let down.
    I stuck my hands between my thighs to steady them as he sat down next to me. It might have been easier just to tell him everything, to lay it all out for him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The story was too hard to say out loud. It had been kept locked inside for too long. Ledger was a good listener and his empathy was obvious, but my courage had run off, like it always did whenever I considered talking about it.
    Ledger reached across and pushed my chin up with his fingers. He leaned forward and kissed me lightly on the mouth. “I’ll wait as long as it takes. Do you want me to stay?” I’d grown used to his deep, calm voice, and just hearing it made me feel better. But I knew I needed to be alone with this again. Like always, I would get through it alone.
    I stared down at the lamb. “I’ve got a lot of work to do.”
    “I’ll leave you to it, then.” He got up and walked out to the front room.
    I placed the lamb on my pillow, pulled on my shirt and headed down the hallway. He had just pulled on his shirt as I reached the end of the hall. He turned back at the sound of my footsteps. His face showed a mix of every emotion, and I hoped I hadn’t scared him off for good.
    “I had a good time today, Ledger. Thank you.”
    “Me too.” He walked out.
    ***
    I tossed the account book on the coffee table. Rex climbed up onto the couch next to me and flopped down with a dog harrumph. I stroked his head.
    It had been several hours since I’d sent a profoundly disappointed Ledger away. He’d left the house looking like a sailboat that had just had all the wind taken out of its sails. I’d felt equally disappointed. Just when I was convinced that I was moving toward normalcy, toward an attachment to another person, I was yanked back from the brink.
    In the past, I had tried hard to fight for some happiness. At my parent’s urging, I’d gone to therapy and even tried some anti-depressants. But they’d only left me feeling numb, as if nothing mattered at all. And I didn’t want that. As hard as it