1
Never Kiss Your Mom in Public
My name is A.J. and I hate school.
Do you know which is the worst day of the week? If you ask me, itâs Monday. Because Monday is the start of five days of school in a row. Thatâs horrible!
Tuesday and Wednesday arenât so great either.
Thursday is a pretty good day, because then we only have one day of school left before the weekend.
Friday is really good, because thatâs when the school week is over.
But the best day of the week is Saturday. I play peewee football on Saturday, and we donât have school again for two whole days.
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Too bad it was Monday morning. I was waiting in front of my house for the school bus with my mom.
âYou be a good boy, A.J.,â my mom told me.
âI will.â
âDonât get into any trouble, A.J.,â my mom told me.
âI wonât.â
âRemember to raise your hand when you want to talk, A.J.,â my mom told me.
âI will.â
âDonât shoot straw wrappers at the girls, A.J.,â my mom told me.
âI wonât.â
My mom told me about a million hundred other things I wasnât allowed to do until I saw the yellow school bus coming around the corner.
âMom, I promise not to have any fun at all,â I said. âBye!â
The bus pulled up. Mrs. Kormel, thebus driver, pushed a button and made the little STOP sign pop out the side of the bus so the cars on the street will stop. We call it the magic STOP sign. That thing is cool.
âGive Mommy a kiss, A.J.â
No way I was going to kiss my mother in front of all the kids staring out the bus window. Thatâs the first rule of being a kid. Donât ever kiss your mother when other kids are watching!
âUh, I donât want to be late for school, Mom.â
âGive Mommy a kiss, A.J.â
âThatâs not gonna happen, Mom.â
âGive Mommy a kiss, A.J.â
âOver my dead body, Mom.â
âGive Mommy a kiss, A.J.â
âI will if you give me a hundred dollars, Mom,â I said.
My mother tried to wrap her arms around me, but I know how to get away from tacklers. When Mom went to grab me, I threw her a head fake, spun away,and gave her a few of my best fancy foot-work moves that I learned playing peewee football. She didnât have a chance! I sidestepped her and ran on the bus before she could hug or kiss me.
Ha-ha-ha! My mom canât play football for beans. Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on her!
2
Mrs. Kormelâs Secret Language
I dashed on the bus and there was Mrs. Kormel, the school bus driver. She was wearing a crash helmet on her head and a silver whistle around her neck.
âBingle boo, A.J.!â she said.
âBingle boo, Mrs. Kormel.â
âBingle booâ is Mrs. Kormelâs way ofsaying âhello.â One time I asked her why she doesnât just say âhelloâ like normal people.
âIâm inventing my own secret language,â she told me. â Everybody says âhello.â But I think âhelloâ is boring. Iâm trying to get people to switch from saying âhelloâto saying âbingle boo.â Secret languages are fun!â
Mrs. Kormel is not normal.
âLimpus kidoodle,â said Mrs. Kormel. That means âsit downâ in Mrs. Kormelâs secret language.
I looked around the bus. There was a snot-covered kindergartner in the front row behind Mrs. Kormel, and a few angry fifth graders in the back row.
Fifth graders are really mean because they get a lot of homework. The more homework you get, the meaner you are. Thatâs why fifth graders are meaner than fourth graders, and fourth graders are meaner than third graders, and thirdgraders are meaner than second graders.
You donât want to go near seventh or eighth graders. They get lots of homework, and they just hate the world. I hope I never get to high school.
I sat down in the middle by myself. Mrs. Kormel