Free Dick by Law by Robert T. Jeschonek

around you."
    " Because I'm a dick? " said Buzz. " Here I thought it was a body odor issue."
    "They won't want to do business with you," said Simon. "They won't want to hire you. Who wants to deal with a dick , right?"
    "I was going to say a urologist ," said Buzz, "but we won't go there, man."
    "Do you see what I'm saying?" Simon talked with his hands, gesturing with his fingers spread wide apart . "Social pressure comes into play. Next thing you know, we have an effective dick deterrent . "
    "We already have one of those," said Buzz. "I call her m y ex-wife ."
    Simon laughed an d let his hands fall to the console . "You get the general idea."
    Just then, a red light on top of the control panel between them winked, and Buzz hit a button. " Whatcha got for me, caller? "
    This time, the voice from the speaker was a woman's. " Earth is a planet of dicks," she said.
    Buzz laughed. "Wasn't that a B-movie in the 1950s? Planet of the Dicks ?"
    "Seriously," sa id the woman. "I'm talking ninety-nine percent dicks. Think about it."
    "So what you're saying," said Buzz, "is they've got us surrounded . When they break through the cabin walls and bite us, we'll all become dicks."
    "What I'm saying is this." The woman cleared her throat . "Maybe it would make more sense to label those of us who aren't dicks. Since there are so few of us, it would be much cheaper and less time-consuming than labeling all those who are dicks , wouldn't it?"
    " Labeling the dickless ? " said Buzz. " Then how do we decide who's dickish and who's undicklike?"
    "Some kind of government agency?" said the woman.
    "A Bureau of Dicks?" said Buzz. "An Office of Dick Management ?" He laughed and pressed a button, cutting off the call. "Food for thought, eh, Simon?"
    Simon nodded. " Keeping in mind the judge's ruling is up for appeal."
    Buzz frowned and leaned toward him . "How do you think that'll go, Simon?"
    "Who knows?" Simon shrugged. "Maybe we'll get lucky again."
    "What about you, Ishi ko ?" Buzz turned and looked at Ishi in the corner. "Win or lose on appeal?"
    " Of course we're going to win." Ishi nodded forcefully. "We've got right on our side."
    "You heard it here first, folks ," said Buzz. "Dick identifica tion is here to stay! The dick will stick ."
    Â 
    *****

Chapter 20
    Â 
    Two Weeks Later
    New York City , New York

    It was a sign.
    Literally , it was a sign--big red letters painted on a white placard nailed to a stake. It was carried by a girl on the sidewalk outside the TV studio , visible through the giant plate glass windows behind the set.
    SUE YOUR DICK! That was what it said.
    Simon grinned. There he was in New York City, getting ready to walk on to the set of the top-rated national network morning show, US AM , and he was already news on the street.
    SUE YOUR DICK! wasn't the only sign ou t there , either . DOWN WITH DICKS! That was scrawled on one of them. D.I. L. L. - DICK IDENTIFICATION & LEGISLATION LEAGU E, read an other.
    " Two minute s !" The floor director , a short, middle-aged African-American woman in a black t-shirt and jeans, paced the studio, clipboard in hand, headphones over h er ears.
    Simon smiled at Ishi, then gazed across the room at the show's superstar hosts, Corbett Lithe and Nan Gal leon . Corbett, with his blond hair, ultra-high cheekbones, and piercing blue eyes, perched on a stool in his sleek designer suit beside Nan, who also had high cheekbones, blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, and star quality. They looked brighter and bolder to Simon than they did on TV, though they also seemed smaller somehow . S eeing them sitting s o close, talking and laughing like they did every day on TV, felt unreal to Simon .
    But it was real , all right . It was the culmination of everything that had happened to Simon over the past two weeks.
    He was in high demand these days and making the most of it . He' d been interviewed by every major newspaper , magazine, and TV news outfit in the country and invited to an endless stream of