Free Spud by John Van De Ruit

11:05. They took out their deckchairs and wine glasses and kicked off a merry celebration. The sight of my folks opening up bottles of wine was too much for The Guv, who sprinted across the field to join them, closely followed by Sparerib, who also seemed anxious to join the party. I was too embarrassed to sit with them so I kicked a rugby ball with Simon on the deserted cricket field.
    After some time my father opened another two bottles of wine, and suddenly The Glock strolled over and joined the group. From where I was, I could see my mother holding court with a long story that had everyone in stitches. Dad was laughing so much that his deckchair collapsed and he spilt his wine all over himself. Sparerib and The Glock howled with laughter and helped Dad to his feet.
    Then Luthuli arrived and Sparerib introduced him to my parents. (I noticed my father skulking off to check that his car was locked. He’s convinced that all black people are thieves.) Luthuli whispered something in Sparerib’s ear and then the two shook my parents’ hands and marched off back towards the school. The Glock downed his wine, nodded and sauntered off. Only then did I dare go over to greet my parents.
    It turns out that The Guv and Dad had just worked out that they had shared digs during their university days. The Guv moved on to a doctorate in English at Oxford and my dad quit varsity and went into dry-cleaning. The Guv then began telling a dodgy story about my dad and him visiting a seedy Point Road brothel. That was my cue to exit and I left my folks and my English teacher to some serious drinking and stories about the good old days when sixpence could buy you dinner, a flick and a taxi home.
    18:00   On my way to supper I heard the unmistakable explosion of the station wagon roaring to life. My parents have spent seven hours on a drinking binge with my English teacher! I think I may have to give myself up for adoption.
    20:00   The Saturday movie is a thriller called Jagged Edge with Glenn Close. Everybody reckons she’s sexy because (according to Boggo) she gave Michael Douglas a blowjob in a lift in Fatal Attraction. To everyone’s disappointment she doesn’t even take her clothes off in this movie. At one point, the killer’s hand crashed through a window. Everyone got a huge fright, but Gecko was the only one who screamed. What followed was much hooting and jeering led by a snarling Pike. Gecko, who has only just begun sitting down after his bum infection, turned bright red and desperately fought back tears.
    I found a chocolate on my bed and a note from Earthworm that read:
    Sorry about the finger-tongs. I was having a bad day.
    Victory is mine!
Sunday 13 th February
    Spent the day reading Catch 22. Some passages are so funny and absurd that I couldn’t help chuckling out loud. In the afternoon, during free bounds, I crossed the railway line and stretched out and read under the pine trees. Some minutes later I noticed Boggo creeping through the fence carrying his porno magazine. He looked around suspiciously and then snuck into some thick bushes. I pretended not to see him.
    Middle of the night. Woke up to wild screams. I disentangled myself from my Good Knight duvet to discover that Simon was on fire. Pike had set him alight with a lighter and a can of deodorant. Pike’s sidekick, Devries, then poured an entire rubbish bin of water over my cricket captain before sprinting out the dormitory cackling and jeering.
    Simon, Rambo and Mad Dog sat together and discussed revenge. When I joined the group, Rambo stopped talking, stared at me and said, ‘I don’t remember inviting you over here, Spud.’ I gulped and blushed and went back to my cubicle, feeling humiliated.
Monday 14th February
    Four days to the long weekend!
    Valentine’s Day. All the boys eagerly await letters and cards. I don’t know any girls so I joined the ranks of those who pretended to be busy at breaktime.
    Simon got five cards, Rambo two and Mad Dog gotone,