Free Nerd Haiku by Robb Pearlman

Anticipation.
    Heady thrill of not knowing.
    Mmm, blind packaging.

    Wednesday’s too far in
the space-time continuum.
New comic book day.

    There’s nothing quite like
    Shakespeare in original
    Klingon. Classic lit.

    I support local
    independent booksellers.
    â€œLarge skim latte, please.”

    Kane, Schuster, Siegel,
    Lee, Kirby, Fox, and Finger,
    these are names to know.

    Gelflings and Hobbits
    should, in theory, be besties,
    but I could be wrong.

    Vampires/Buffy,
    The Walking Dead /well-placed ax.
    It’s a yin-yang thing.

    X-Men/Magneto,
JLA/Darkseid. Can’t we
all just get along?

    Who’s faster, the Flash
    or Superman? This is a
    debate without end.

    Eight Words: Doomed planet.
    Desperate Scientists. Last
    Hope. Kindly Couple.

    Jason, Damian,
and Stephanie can all just
kiss Dick Grayson’s ass.
    Batwoman won’t work
Fridays after sundown or
on Rosh Hashanah.

    He’s responsible
    for more square miles than them all.
    Don’t dis Aquaman.

    The Royal Flush Gang
    doesn’t know what happens there’s
    supposed to stay there.

    Widow, Cat, Panther
    Bolt, Lightning, or Canary,
    Black is beautiful.

    It’s a well-known fact:
    Cyclops is kind of a douche.
    Jean Grey has bad taste.

Red Skull is Elrond
is Mr. Smith. What thread is
this Hugo Weaving?

    Does everything stretch?
    â€™Cause you could make mad money,
    Mr. Fantastic.

    Reed Richards, meet Eel
    O’Brian and Ralph Dibny.
    Oh, it’s on, bitches.

    If I had a type,
    I’d say simple and carefree:
    Comic Sans Serif.

    Nobody believes
    me. That’s what happens when you
    date Sue Storm Richards.

    Saved the universe,
    but I’m totally bummed out.
    Girlfriend’s in the fridge.

    My asthma kicks in
    and I throw up in my mouth.
    Girl in comic store.

Wish I lived before
Comics Code Authority
made skirts much longer.

    Ororo Munroe
    and Mari Jiwe McCabe,
    my African queens.

    Every day it goes
    where no man has gone before,
    Uhura’s earpiece.

At four, I lost my
heart to an older woman:
Wilma Flintstone, MILF.

    Someday we will find
    the right vehicle for you,
    Eliza Dushku.

    From my perspective,
    panties have firewalls that are
    password protected.

    She stopped before she
    touched me down there. Again, life
    has blocked my pop-up.

    When we get girlfriends,
    many things will change for us.
    Yeah, wishful thinking.

    Virgin. Gamer. I
    try to vary things, but still
    my right arm’s bigger.

    So much changed after
    you got laid, but I’m the same.
    Crisis on my Earth.

    Eartha, Halle, Anne,
    Lee, Julie, Michelle—I get
    a lot of pussy.

    7 of 9 +
    BSG’s 6 = fun.
    (I majored in math.)

    From Ms. Pac Man to
    Ms. Lara Croft, Title IX
    funding FTW!

    You’re such a nice girl.
    Please don’t disappear on me
    like Kitty Pryde did.

    A pat excuse not
    to date me, but guess what: I
    am Y, the Last Man!

    Took thirty years, but
    I have a new girlfriend. Thanks,
    MMRPG!

    I like pillow talk,
    like “Glasses are sexy,” and
    â€œGo get ’em, Tiger.”

    I see Valeris.
    Girlfriend sees Samantha Jones.
    Sex and the City.

    The buns are OK,
    but I really want you to
    dress like Slave Leia.

    I love you so much
    that your engagement ring will
    be The Dark Crystal.

    You made me a man,
    then mixed up Wars and Trek. I’m
    breaking up with you.

    Like Lana and Gwen,
    you were ahead of the curve.
    First girlfriend syndrome.

    I will wear a tux
    and a custom fez when I
    marry Amy Pond.

    Regenerated
    Abbot and Costello are
    Doctor Who ’s on first.

Lightsaber chopsticks
turn ordinary pad thai
into Padmé Thai.

    I’d go back in time
    to be surprised again. “No,
    I am your father.”

    I’m such a badass:
    Bantha skull shoulder tattoo.
    Please don’t tell my dad!

    Dad won’t admit it,
    but let’s face it, my brother:
    I’m Thor; you’re Loki.

    Dad didn’t get it.
    He wanted me to play ball.
    Now I own the team!

    Computers