Free Choices by Ann Herendeen

that
time. Dominic reached up for me, drawing me down on the bed again.
It will not be easy for me, either
, he said. He held me
for a while, his thoughts sympathetic.
You may find that I am
not so desirable once you have had a chance to compare
.
    With only three men here, one betrothed, one
less interested in women even than Dominic, and the third
twenty-five years older than me, I decided he was being
disingenuous, trying to appear modest. I kissed his hand where it
would have been resting on my shoulder, if he were here.
True
, I agreed, choosing on the basis of superficial
similarities,
I may find I prefer Paolo di Battista
.
    Dominic did not see the humor.
Or Tomasz
Liang
, he said. I attempted to explain, for his own peace of
mind, but Dominic was concerned now for my wellbeing, and would not
be distracted.
Please, Amalie, give La Sapienza a chance. At
the end of six months, you will have the education that any gifted
girl would receive. You will need that. You can’t live with
crypta
, untrained; it’s torture.
    That much I knew. I had been enduring that
torture all my life. It was the one thing preventing me from simply
quitting now, slinking away to the town while everyone in La
Sapienza was at prayers or at supper, and making my way back to
Eclipsia City in the morning. It would be a relief never having to
face any of them again, never having to listen to their thoughts of
me or try to hide my own.
    You may also discover
, Dominic
continued his argument,
that you can become a sibyl, that it
means more to you than anything. And if that is the case, you would
be foolish to throw that away
.
    The same consideration had been uppermost in
Edwige’s mind, and I knew it was the only practical, long-term goal
for me if I wished to live as an Eclipsian. I had just admitted, in
my time alone, that I needed work, a place in the world, to support
myself and to give purpose to my life, like my rejected Terran job
and citizenship. Until someone else was hired for my position, it
was mine to reclaim; I had a last resort, a precarious
independence, at least for a while.
    All right
, I agreed to Dominic’s
proposal. I would be brave, and perhaps people would, if not
forget, simply lose interest. Everything becomes old and boring
eventually, and so would I become, and my nighttime adventure. Once
I was accepted again as just another novice, I could focus on the
training. If nothing else, I would gain, as Dominic had stressed,
the necessary control that makes living with
crypta
bearable.
    Dominic was preparing to go, to keep his end
of the bargain and leave me alone. Luckily I remembered in time. I
had a final question, one Edwige would not have approved.
What
if I need to come to you? It was difficult for me this time. I
don’t think I will always have the energy for it
.
    That is a good thought
, he said.
You must be able to summon me, if you need help or are
lonely
.
    I didn’t contradict him by reminding him I
was not supposed to so much as talk to him, no matter how lonely I
might be.
    Dominic showed me how I could send my mind
directly to his, using the same low-level radiation our bodies
emit, much like making the inner flame, and without the exhausting
business I had used of simulating physical travel. Like all tricks
of
crypta
, this mind-travel is relatively simple. Learning
it requires someone to teach it, to show the mechanics and be a
practice partner. Dominic withdrew farther and farther away while I
sent myself to him, until he was certain I had mastered the
technique.
    But how can I tell if you are alone?
I asked.
I interrupted you now, and I wouldn’t want to make a
nuisance of myself
.
    You could never be that
, Dominic
said.
You mustn’t worry so much. I will never close myself to
you
.
    I was convinced Dominic lacked the Terran
need for privacy that had led to my guilty recoil from my
intrusion, despite my own arousal from it. I was wrong, as I would
find out later; Dominic had accepted, more readily