Free Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals by Jeffery Self

and blaming her spouse for everything, from making her feel so terrible to the existence of the Kardashians * in general. The female’s nerves are incredibly high-strung and what she really wants is a nice stiff drink to ease her tension, but she can’t do that because she’s pregnant. Dammit.
    Over the next several months, the pregnant Heterosexual Female goes through many other side effects. Things to expect include nausea, tiredness, tender breasts, and a sudden emotional reaction to that Taylor Swift song about moms.
    As the due date approaches, the Heterosexuals get very caught up in baby fever. * Oftentimes, a family member or friend will host a baby shower, traditionally a females-only luncheon without the added bonus of booze, where everyone brings gifts and pretends to have an emotional attachment to tiny pairs of Crocs and pyramids built entirely out of diapers.
    If the pregnant Heterosexual Female’s mother or mother-in-law is on hand, the female will go through a series of stressful trips to Heterosexual meccas, such as Babies “R” Us. By the end of these nine months, the Heterosexual Female will have started to resent her mother and/or mother-in-law with the kind of ferocity reserved for war criminals and Red Sox fans.
    The female will also begin to tire of the Heterosexual Male in her life. Everything he does will drive her crazy, and she honestly can’t believe he plays the TV that loud, and what’s that stupid noise he makes when he chews wasabi peas?
    There’s a tiny person lodged inside her, so she’s increasingly uncomfortable and bloated all the time. It is during this period that the Heterosexual Female begins to wonder if she just should have gotten a parakeet instead.
    Finally, the big day comes and the Heterosexual Female has her baby and all hardship is forgiven. It’s highly likely she will never see her Heterosexual friends ever again, or when she doessee them, she will only discuss children’s bowel movements and the hit television show Yo Gabba Gabba . Either way, the new parents have a sweet, gorgeous newborn baby to shower with love and affection, and the great circle of life continues. And, finally, the Heterosexual Female can order herself a very well-deserved drink.
On Babies
    Heterosexuals will always assume you want to hold their babies, and if you want to get through the encounter without any trouble, I highly recommend just holding the baby and saying it’s the cutest thing you’ve ever seen, no matter how much the baby looks like an unripened apricot. Some babies aren’t as cute as others, and in these instances you will need to lie, because in the eyes of Heterosexuals, there is nothing that has ever or will ever be as cute as their baby.

Understanding Heterosexuals
    Understanding how the Heterosexual Male and Female brain works can give you a better understanding of how they process thoughts, feelings, interests, and emotions. This is a chart of what makes up the Heterosexual Male’s brain.
    The Heterosexual Male Brain

    Very interesting, huh? Now take a look at the Heterosexual Female’s brain.
    The Heterosexual Female Brain

    You are now prepared to deal with the major milestones in the Heterosexual Lifestyle. If you have been paying close attention, you and your Heterosexual counterparts should be able to happily coexist and continue to teach each another about your equally swell cultures.
     
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    The Heterosexual SAT #1:
    Analogies

    It’s time for a pop quiz, SAT style! Do you remember the SATs? Maybe you’re still in high school and haven’t taken them yet. In which case, I’d prefer a parent or guardian or supervising adult be here with us to make me feel a little less uncomfortable.
    I took the SAT on a Saturday morning after opening night of the amateur production of Steel Magnolias that I directed in my hometown. Suffice it to say, I pretty much flunked the SAT. Not because I’m dumb—if anything, I’m cripplingly bright—but because I was tired