Free Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals by Jeffery Self Page A

and, let’s be honest, probably hungover. More importantly, however, I knew I didn’t need the SAT to do what I wanted to do. Star on Broadway! And look at me now! *
    Heterosexual SAT questions will be scattered throughout the book as a series of pop quizzes, and they’re far more important and useful than the actual SAT could ever dream of being. It is vital you take these quizzes in order to continue understanding this spotter’s guide, as well as honing your Heterosexual-Watching skills as we go along.
    EXAMPLES:
    CAT: MAMMAL as SNAKE: REPTILE
    or
    FISHERMAN: FISHING as
    PAUL GIAMATTI: OVERACTING
    Understand? If not, ask someone smarter than you to help, then continue.
        1. FRAT BOY: FRAT HOUSE ::
            A.      Cowboy: Cowgirl
            B.      Teacher: Book
            C.      Parker Posey: Parker Posey’s house
            D.      Spoon: Fork
        2. HIPSTER: SKINNY JEANS ::
            A.      Dog: Cat
            B.      New Jersey: New York
            C.      Mice: Mouse
            D.      Whoopi in Sister Act : Nun’s habit
        3. PARIS: FRENCH PEOPLE ::
            A.      Mom: Dad
            B.      Details magazine: People magazine
            C.      Las Vegas: Dangerously intoxicated Heterosexuals
            D.      Farm: Grass
        4. METROSEXUAL: PERFECT HAIR ::
            A.      Oreos: Chocolate
            B.      Robert Pattinson: Extremely dirty hair
            C.      Football: Super Bowl
            D.      Super old: Regis Philbin
        5. HETEROSEXUAL FEMALE: A BRAND-NEW SHIRTLESS
    PHOTO OF RYAN GOSLING ::
            A.      Halloween: Costumes
            B.      Car: Honda
            C.      Water: Pool
            D.      Me at age six on Christmas morning: The Play-Doh Magic set I’d spent all of December thinking about and my very own VHS copy of Addams Family Values !!!
        6. HOT WINGS: HETEROSEXUAL MALES ::
            A.      Ice cream: Lactose-intolerant people
            B.      Hot dogs: Vegetarians
            C.      White wine: The Real Housewives of New York
            D.      M&M’s: Diabetics
        7. STRAIGHT PEOPLE: HETEROSEXUALS ::
            A.      Dogs: Cats
            B.      Students: College
            C.      Winter: Summer
            D.      That lady with the crazy face who used to be famous but does commercials for Depends Adult Diapers now: Lisa Rinna
        8. CARRIE BRADSHAW: FABULOUS HETEROSEXUAL ICON ::
            A.      Tom Cruise: Chef
            B.      Roseanne Barr: Internationally beloved sex symbol
            C.      President: White House
            D.      Donald Trump: The world’s worst Heterosexual
        9. HETEROSEXUAL WEDDING: WEDDING CAKE ::
            A.      Walmart: The Queen of England
            B.      Rachael Ray: Speaking loudly
            C.      Flowers: Bouquet
            D.      The Olive Garden: Bottomless salads and breadsticks
       10. HETEROSEXUAL WATCHING: HETEROSEXUAL::
             A.     Halle Berry: Watching Halle Berry’s Oscar speech on YouTube at least once a day
             B.     Baseball: Guy watching baseball
             C.     Bird-watching: Birds
             D.     Halle Berry: Watching Monster’s Ball , the movie Halle Berry won an Oscar for at least twice a day
     
    ANSWERS:
    1. C; 2. D; 3. C; 4. B; 5. D; 6. C; 7. D; 8. D; 9. D; 10. All are correct answers
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    * I had the same problem until I saw Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise .
    ** I don’t want to inflate grotesque stereotypes of gay people like myself knowing nothing about anything other than David Sedaris and glitter, but honestly, I have no gay friends who would rather