Free Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals by Jeffery Self Page B

watch sports than a rerun of Toni Braxton: E! True Hollywood Story .
    * That is how I begin most conversations.
    * Mixed CDs are very popular among Heterosexuals in the courting phase and will always include the Céline Dion song “My Heart Will Go On.”
    * Grease is an important movie to note, as it’s one of those movies both Heterosexuals and Non-Heterosexuals alike can agree on. Oftentimes, when a Non-Heterosexual is hanging out with Heterosexuals, he will accidentally bring up a musical he’s recently seen. The Heterosexual will stare at him blankly and the only way to keep the conversation moving is to say “It’s a lot like Grease ,” at which point the Heterosexual will happily nod in understanding and you can continue talking about having recently seen Les Misérables . It’s also worth noting, for no other reason than my own ego, that I was in three different productions of Grease all before my 18th birthday.
    * I have blacked out at almost every Heterosexual cocktail party I’ve ever attended.
    * Gifts your Heterosexual hosts won’t appreciate: tickets to the national tour of The Drowsy Chaperone; photos of yourself dressed as a shirtless cowboy, no matter how much you’ve been working out; livestock; an autographed copy of Teri Garr’s memoir, Speedbumps: Flooring It Through Hollywood .
    * Barack Obama may or may not know I exist.
    * Just kidding. I can’t promise that!
    ** Heterosexual Males love the Droid, as it’s a phone specifically marketed to them. Watch a Droid commercial, and you’ll quickly realize that they are about as Heterosexual as the Super Bowl. Even the sound they make: DROOOOID. It’s so overtly masculine and aggressive. Every time I hear a man turn on a Droid, I think, we get it —you have a penis and you like putting it inside women. Now, can I go back to reading this Tim Gunn biography?
    * ESPN is a TV channel solely dedicated to broadcasting sports 24/7. It’s like what CNN does for news, and what Bravo does for drunk women and gay guys.
    * If you haven’t seen Father of the Bride , part 1, we have nothing to discuss; same thing goes for part 2, by the way.
    * Registering for gifts is one of the weirdest things that Heterosexuals do. This is the process by which Heterosexuals will go to a store and make a list of things their friends and family are expected to buy for them. It’s a really weird way to give a gift; however, if you’re ever feeling down, I highly suggest going to the dishware section of Bloomingdale’s and creating an entire wedding registry for yourself and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
    * While I am fascinated by this mating ritual, I will not attempt to explain the actual mechanics of Heterosexual sex, as I have never experienced it firsthand, and the only vagina I’ve ever seen is Sharon Stone’s in Basic Instinct . And honestly, I kind of prefer her in Casino .
    * It would be a disservice to write a guide to Heterosexuals without at least mentioning the Kardashians. The Kardashians are a fascinating Heterosexual enigma that won’t seem to go away. Like bedbugs or cancer. No matter how you feel about this celebrity family, they’re doing something right. Everyone knows their names, and, for the most part, everyone has seen them naked.
    * Not to be confused with Baby Boom , which is another great movie starring Diane Keaton. It came out a few years before the aforementioned Father of the Bride , part 1, but she’s still flawless.
    * The closest I’ve come to starring on Broadway is going on two dates with a guy who was the understudy for Danny in Grease , and he won’t look at me anymore.

Heterosexual Migration Patterns
    H ETEROSEXUAL M IGRATION P ATTERNS ARE USUALLY HIGHLY specific to their breeds. On any given day, thousands of Heterosexuals can be found migrating to warm environments and world-famous cities, taking a break from their usual lifestyle, and trying something new, like eating pho! The following are the most popular migration destinations