Free Born Hard Again: Book Three of the Future Remembered Chronicles by Bo Unce

doorway.  "Look, Preston!  Look!"
    I rushed over and shoved him out of the way. 
    "Holy f-fu-fuck!" I stammered as I beheld the scene. 
    Two enormous white blobs were moving quite briskly toward us across the surface of the frozen lake.  I estimated they were roughly the size of small buses.  Squinting, I was able to see them a bit better in the pre-dawn light.  They were definitely organic beings of some sort, with milky slick skin that gleamed as they sped along, leaving some kind of beautiful frozen wake behind them. 
    "Bitch, what it be?" Koochy thundered.
    "I.. I dunno," I called back over my shoulder.  "It looks like... some... kind of giant... slug?  A huge ice slug?"
    "Ohh, shit, son!  Hooooo!"  Koochy hollered.  "A damn... what dey call dat?  Ah yeah, a damn mollusca maritimus!  We game dis shit right and we goan hitch our asses a ride, boy!"
    "What's the plan?" I asked him.
    "Yeah!" Alphonso brandished a fistful of sticky notes. "What's the plan?"
    "Man, get dat shit out muh sight, you ol' ass-face-ho'!"  Koochy said as he stood up and pushed Alphonso away.
    "We needa get dem big bitches ta pass by right in fronta our whip.  Dis thang got some kinda ropes and harnesses shit up in tha front of it.  I be all up in dem sys'ems an' if one a ya'll 'tarded asses can get dem where I want 'em, I got dis, mane!  Unnnghhh!"
    I knew one thing, it sure as hell wasn't going to be me who went back out on that ice hoping to attract those behemoths.  I looked at Alphonso, who was dumbly, and eagerly, staring at Koochy's swelling, increasingly discolored face.  Almost like a puppy that was so desperately hoping his master would throw the ball so he could fetch it. 
    A grin spread over my face and I slyly put my plan into action.  Slipping behind Alphonso, I got close to his can-can board. 
    "You know," I told him while I worked surreptitiously.  "That's pretty cool of you to go out there and wrangle those ice monsters."
    "What?" Alphonso's day-dreamy expression contorted into one of revulsion.  "Uh uhh!  No way, guys.  I'm not going out there!  I mean, I just got my knee all better and stuff!"
    "Ha ha," I chuckled.  "Good one, Alphonso.  I mean, seriously.  Of course, it wouldn't be you.  It would be me, the dick-footed toddler Jesus.  Or, him," I gestured to Koochy.  "He's still dead!  Come on, Alphonso.  Of course it's you."
    "Nuh uh, Preston.  I don't want to end up like you guys.  I mean, I'm sure your feet are very nice and all.  And Koochy, I'm sure you'll still get... bitches, or whatever."
    "Whachu mean, 'whateva' ?"  Koochy threw his gang signs defensively.  "Big Kooch don’t be doin' it wit' no 'whateva', sucka.  Yo ass look like some kinda whateva fucked a damn armadillo.  Yo ass like a big, white flabby ass armadillo wit' yo pointy ass nose and shit.  Root, root, do da armadillo!  Unnnghhh!  How you like me now?!"
    I grabbed Alphonso by the shoulders and shook him. 
    "TK is trapped down there!  Listen to me!  You are going out there.  We've got to get our shit together!  Fast!" I yelled inches from his pale face.
    "I dunno, Preston..." he seemed to be warming to the idea.  "My knee..."
    "You just said it was all healed up!  Come on, Alphonso.  You are good at running...." I pressured.
    "Hm... well," he seemed to light up.  "I really wish I could help you guys.  But..." he pointed to the board, covered in sticky notes.  "It's not on the board!  Not.  My.  Problem."  He crossed his arms, defiantly.
    I smirked.  It bothered me that he was so dumb, but in this case, I had the upper hand.
    "Look closer," I told him.
    "What?" he looked scared. 
    I pointed to one of the notes on the board. 
    ALPHONSO GETS THE MONSTERS read the sticky note.
    "No..." Alphonso said weakly.  "Well....poo."
    He hung his head in resignation and, for a moment, I was concerned he might cry.  However, when he lifted his eyes, a dogged determination gleamed back at me.
    "All right then,