Free Born Hard Again: Book Three of the Future Remembered Chronicles by Bo Unce Page B

things, but he's losing ground!"
    "Aiight den," Koochy said.
    "So what's the plan?  How are we going to get Alphonso back in here?" I asked my friend.
    "Why da fuck would we be doin' dat?  E'erythang be lookin' fine up in hea'."  Koochy kicked his feet up and relaxed.  His dead eyes stared at nothing and his hands made a motion like he was about to pass a blunt.  "Haaaaah.  Fo'got dat chiba chiba up in my brainwaves, son.  Ain't no puff puff pass up in dis sheeit.  Fuck y'all, you bogart muffuck anyways."
    "Really?  But you sent him out there!  Just to die in the snowstorm?" I protested.  "Stop using those brainwaves, your brain is leaking all over the chair already!"
    "Big K sent him wha?  Muthafucka, yo' ass did dat wit da can-can, P.  And now you all can't-can't?  Don' be lookin' at Kooch ta come rescue that foo'."

Marcus flicked a switch and turned on the sled's external speakers.
    "Oh shit sucka, ha!  Run, you armadillo ass Pinocchio lookin ass wit yo' dumb face and doin' whateva we say when we pull strangs cuz you a dumb shit ass white ass DQ eatin' ass ass eatin' ass!  Ay, remember Whiddington at da DQ?  Last thang he evuh seen was a blizzard, so yous be seein' dat too!  Fo' real, blizzard in yo' face!  Unnngh!"
    For a moment I considered leaving Alphonso to his fate.  But we needed him, if for nothing else but to wrangle the next set of ice monsters or whatever horrors we were sure to come across.  Seeing a blizzard ...
    "That's it!  The blizzard!" I yelled.
    "Ain't no drive-thru DQs for yo' sweet toof', you fat fuckin' baby," Marcus replied coolly.  "Wut, you see a big-slugs-park-righ'chere sign or sumthin'?"
    "Marcus, look at those huge ice beasts.  Did you see any eyes on them... those mollusca whatevers?" I asked.
    "Nah mane, that whole fuckin' genus don't have eyes.  Some in da phylum do, but dat's just a taxonomic relation," Koochy replied.
    "What?  So if they don't have eyes, they're just sensing basic stuff, right?" I continued.  "And if they're out on the ice and in the blizzards all the time, maybe they're sensing heat!  They're just following Alphonso 'cause he's warm!"
    The sled was gradually catching up to Alphonso as he was tiring.  I was now able to faintly hear him over the rushing wind outside.
    "Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!   Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!" he was screaming.  How could he scream so much while running?  I figured he'd be better off just maybe not screaming.
    "Alphonso!" I announced over the loudspeakers.  "You have to get rid of your heat signature somehow!  But don't slow down!"
    "Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!" he responded.  "Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!"
    "Dive into that snow drift!  To your left!" I called out.  "You dumb piece of shit, you passed it!  And stop screaming like a little bitch!"
    "Ay, P!  I got dis," Koochy said.  He opened up a hatch on the top of the chariot and climbed up onto the roof.  I followed him up there, and my dickfeet were instantly chilly on the snow-and-ice-covered metal surface.
    Koochy used his suited arms to sweep up a mass of snow and turn it into a snowball.  He fired a mechanically augmented fastball at Alphonso's frantically running form and hit him directly in the ass.
    "That's it!" I shouted and I joined Marcus in making more snowballs.  We threw them at the flailing Vice-Admiral and laughed as he yelped.  We pelted him on his back and arms and legs, and he emitted a shrill, girly scream with every impact.
    "It's working!" I cheered.  The snow slugs were slowing, confused.  Alphonso's infrared emissions were getting blocked.
    "Ha!  Now check dis out," Koochy said as he made a particularly large snowball.
    "Yeah, we need to make sure he's completely covered," I agreed.  "Put some ice pieces in it too so it's colder.  Here, it needs to be a bit slushy too, let me spit on it."  I spat a few times but it didn't do much to wet the frozen ball.
    "Nah mane lemme show how we do, 41st side represent!"  Koochy repositioned the snowball