Free Selby Screams by Duncan Ball

shadiest branch.
    “Just out of curiosity,” Mrs Trifle said, suddenly forgetting about the near-sighted part-time dog catcher and noticing the bush behind her,"is that a hippo doing a handstand?”
    “Ummm, er,” Dr Trifle said, reaching around and cutting off a big limb. “It’s supposed to be a kangaroo juggling three koalas.”
    “And that one? It looks like a giraffe climbing a ladder.”
    “Two snakes kissing,” Dr Trifle corrected her.
    “Surely that one’s a cow tying her shoelaces.”
    “Wrong again. It’s the prime minister giving a speech,” Dr Trifle said with a sigh. “I’m not very good at this, am I?”
    “I’ll invite him over tonight and give him a good talking to,” Mrs Trifle said.
    “Who? The prime minister?”
    “Goodness no. Dudley Dewmop. He refuses to wear his new glasses because he says they make his nose itch. I’ll just have to insist that he does. As it is, he can’t tell a dog from a rabbit.”
    That night when the near-sighted part-time dog catcher was about to arrive, Selby crept out to the backyard to avoid him.
    “Dudley Dewmop, sheeesh!” Selby groaned as he looked around in the moonlight at the eerie animal shapes in the garden, and remembered all the times he’d been chased by the dog catcher."The man hates dogs!”
    Selby lay down under a bush that looked very like a lizard doing a somersault whenDudley Dewmop came driving down the driveway. Which would have been okay if the near-sighted Dudley hadn’t missed the driveway entirely and shot straight past the house and into the backyard.
    “Gads!” Dudley exclaimed in a loud whisper as he grabbed his dog-catching net and leaped from the car."I’m surrounded by stray dogs!”
    Dudley swung hard at the nearest bush, breaking off four branches at a single hit.
    “Gotcha!” he said, plucking sticks and leaves out of his net."Ooops! Where’d you go?”
    Selby watched as Dudley raised his net again and again, smashing away at Dr Trifle’s topiary. “I see you,” the short-sighted dog catcher said, not seeing Selby at all but whacking off the trunk of an elephant and two humps off a camel. “You can’t fool me.”
    Selby watched as Dudley’s swishing net left a litter of leaves on the lawn.
    “If I don’t stop him,” Selby muttered, scooting under another bush only to have it demolished by Dudley, “there won’t be a patch of shade left in the whole yard! Help! What can I do?”

    Just then a cloud covered the moon and cast the yard into total darkness. Selby stepped towards Dudley and put his paws on his hips knowing that the dog catcher couldn’t possibly see him.
    “Okay, Dudley,” Selby said aloud, “stop it this instant! Enough is enough. You’re destroying the Trifles’ backyard and they’re not going to be very pleased. These aren’t stray dogs, they’re bushes, you nit!”
    “Who said that?” Dudley said, raising his net over his head.
    “I did,” Selby said calmly and then, just as Selby was about to leap over the fence and escape, the moon came out again and, when it did, Dudley’s net came crashing down around him.
    “You talked! An animal talked!” Dudley screamed. “And I caught you! People are going to have to pay squillions just to see you! I’m going to be famous!”
    “What
is
going on here?” Dr Trifle yelled as he and Mrs Trifle ran out into the backyard and looked around at all the mess. “Dudley, what have you done?”
    “Look! He talked!” Dudley cried, pointing at Selby. “He really did! He’s a real, live, talking monkey!”
    Dr and Mrs Trifle looked at one another and then at the dog catcher.
    “Congratulations, Dudley. You’ve finally caught a dog,” Mrs Trifle said, letting Selby out of the net. “Even if he isn’t a stray dog. Now could you do me a big favour and put on your new glasses?”
    “Maybe you’d better talk to him about his hearing,” Dr Trifle whispered to Mrs Trifle. “He seems to be hearing talking monkeys.”
    “I’ll put them