Free Miss Laney Is Zany! by Dan Gutman

1
Bad News
    My name is A.J. and I hate school.
    But I have to go anyway. My friend Billy who lives around the corner told me that if you don’t go to school, they throw you in jail. Then you have to wear one of those striped uniforms and drag around a ball and chain.
    I go to Ella Mentry School, and my teacher is Mr. Granite, who is from another planet. It was Monday morning, and the girls were talking about silly girl stuff, like how many stuffed animals they have on their beds. Me and the guys were talking about important guy stuff, like my favorite TV show— Win Money or Eat Bugs .
    It’s a cool show. You have to answer a bunch of questions. If you get them right, you win money. If you get them wrong, you have to eat bugs. So Win Money or Eat Bugs has the perfect name. Some people win money. But most people have to eat bugs. That show is hilarious.
    After we put our backpacks into our cubbies, the school secretary, Mrs. Patty,made an announcement over the loudspeaker. We had to go to the all-purpose room for a surprise assembly.
    “Why are we having an assembly?” asked Andrea Young, this annoying girl in my class with curly brown hair.
    “Beats me,” said her crybaby friend Emily.
    Everybody was in the all-purpose room. Miss Lazar, the custodian. Ms. LaGrange, the lunch lady. Even Mr. Tony, who runs the after-school program, was there. I could tell it wasn’t a normal assembly. We were all buzzing about what was up. *
    We had to sit crisscross applesauce.Finally our principal, Mr. Klutz, got up on the stage. He has no hair at all. I mean none . They should use his head to bounce laser beams around the world. Mr. Klutz held up his hand and made a peace sign, which means “shut up.”
    “I have bad news,” Mr. Klutz said.
    “Mr. Klutz has a bad nose,” I whispered to my friend Michael, who never ties his shoes.
    “As you probably heard from your parents,” Mr. Klutz told us, “the economy is in bad shape. We have been trying to save money ever since our budget was cut. But last night I got a call from the Board of Education. I’m sorry to tell you this,but…Ella Mentry School will be closing in June.”
    Everybody laughed. Mr. Klutz is so funny!
    “It’s not a joke,” he added.
    Suddenly, it was quiet in the all-purpose room. You could hear a pin drop. *
    “Do you mean the school will close for a few weeks?” asked Mr. Granite.
    “No,” Mr. Klutz replied. “The school is closing forever .”
    “Forever?”
    “Forever.”
    I looked at Michael. Michael looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes. Then we all jumped out of our seats at the same time.
    “Yeah!” me and the guys shouted. “No more school!”
    “You’ll still have to go to school,” Mr. Klutz told us. “You’ll just have to go to another school. A school that’s farther away.”
    Oh. Bummer in the summer!
    “Will the teachers be fired?” asked Mr. Granite.
    “I’m afraid so,” Mr. Klutz said. “The whole staff will lose their jobs. And thatincludes me. We’re all in the same boat.”
    I looked around. I didn’t see a boat anywhere.
    “What do boats have to do with it?” I asked.
    “That means we’re all in this together , Arlo,” whispered Andrea. She calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it.
    “There will be more budget cuts between now and June,” Mr. Klutz said. “So we’ll all have to tighten our belts. Does anybody have any questions?”
    “What if you don’t wear a belt?” I asked.
    “Tightening our belts means we haveto save money, dumbhead,” Andrea whispered, rolling her eyes.
    “Your face needs to save money,” I told her.
    I hate Andrea.
    “Isn’t there anything we can do?” asked Mr. Granite.
    “I’m afraid not,” Mr. Klutz said. “It will cost a million dollars to keep the school open.”

    “WOW,” everybody said, which is “MOM” upside down. We all started buzzing again. The teachers looked worried. A few first