Free The Twitter History of the World by Kelvin MacKenzie Page B

53BC
    ‘Bloody Hell!.. What is a hosepipe ban?’

    @JuliusCaesar
For the last time – I’M NOT GAY! Can someone get me @MaxClifford on the phone?
3.51pm, June 4, 53BC
    @PeopleOfRome
Ooooohhh – get her!
3.52pm, June 4, 53BC
    @Cassius
Hey, @Brutus: normally @JuliusCaesar is like
__/\__/\__/\__ but by the end of today he’ll be like __________
6.12am, March 15, 44BC
    Roman General Julius Caesar extended the Roman Empire through France, Belgium and beyond. He had an affair with Queen Cleopatra of Egypt but was also rumoured to have enjoyed dalliances with King Nicomedes IV. He was assassinated by a group of senators, spearheaded by Cassius and Brutus.

THE CRUCIFIXION OF JESUS CHRIST
    @JesusChrist
Just had supper with 11 pals – stuffed. @Judas made a pass at me afterwards #awkward
10:02pm 1 April, 33
    @JudasIscariot
Thirty pieces of silver – kerching!
10.30pm 1 April, 33
    @JesusChrist
Uh oh……
8:40am 3 April, 33
    @JesusChrist
I’m back, bitches…
11:43am, 6 April, 33
    Following the Last Supper, Jesus Christ was betrayed by Judas who identified him with a kiss to arresting soldiers, who handed him over to Pontius Pilate. Christ was then crucified and - according to Christian belief – rose on the third day.

MOUNT VESUVIUS ERUPTS
    @MtVesuvius
Just to put this out there, I’m in a hell of a mood today.
09.01am, August 24, AD79
    @PompeiiPeople
@MtVesuvius Well, get her – someone got out of bed the wrong side today!
09.02am, August 24, AD79
    @PompeiiPeople
Erm, what the fuck’s that plume of smoke in the distance…?
09.03am, August 24, AD79
    Mount Vesuvius has erupted several times, most notably in AD79 when it destroyed the Roman cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum. It caught residents unaware, with a ‘plume of smoke’ on the horizon the first sign of what was afoot.

THE ROMANS INVENT PLUMBING
    @Plumbarius
The way we’ve linked up these aqueducts and pipes inside people’s homes is a bit swag. Soon we won’t have to take a dump outside anymore!
5.12pm AD100
    @Plumbarius
We’re going into business with this. If you want your house plumbed up just come to us. We’ll give you a fair price.
5.13pm AD100
    @PolishPlumbarius
Whatever price they give you we’ll do it for 90 percent less.
5.14pm AD100
    @Plumbarius
#FML
5.15pm AD100
    The Roman Empire is credited – blamed? – with introducing modern plumbing.
ATTILA THE HUN
    @AttilaTheHun
On our way to Rome #roadtrip
4.42pm, March 2, 440
    @AttilaTheHun
On our way to Gaul #roadtrip
4.42pm, March 2, 441
    @AttilaTheHun
Hmmm, some people got in the way back there. We had to deal with them. #scourgeofgod
4.42pm, March 2, 441
    @AttilaTheHun
On our way to Italy #roadtrip
4.42pm, March 2, 441
    @AttilaTheHun
Got married today. Thanks for all your congratulatory Tweets and DMs. Hang on, nosebleed…
4.42pm, March 2, 453
    Attila The Hun was the leader of the Hunnic empire and one of the most feared men of his time. The cause of his death, in 453, is thought to be a colossal nose-bleed on the evening of his wedding day.

THE DOMESDAY BOOK
    @WilliamConquero r
#FF Can you follow @DomesdayBook and also Tweet them all your landholdings and resources details? K’bye.
9.00am, March 12, 1085
    A detailed survey of land commissioned by William The Conqueror, The Domesday Book now lives at The National Archives, Kew, in South West London.

WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER (PART ONE)
    @KingJohn
Dudes, I’m going to put taxes up a bit. Well, a lot. #We’reAllInThisTogether #Honest 1.18pm, November 2, 1205
    War with France created financial issues for England that King John addressed by taxing people like there was no tomorrow.

GENGHIS KHAN
    @GenghisKhan
Can’t decide whether I fancy a Chinese, a Thai or an Indian. Think I’ll have all three. Get the horses, @MrsKhan
6.45pm, April 4, 1211
    @GenghisKhan
Might have an Afghan, actually…
4.28pm, October 28, 1213
    @GenghisKhan
1) Someone said I have a silly moustache 2) So someone got trampled by a horse 3) And so