Free The Twitter History of the World by Kelvin MacKenzie

THE TWITTER HISTORY OF THE WORLD

THE WORLD IS CREATED
    @God
Been working like a dog for six days creating heaven + earth. Getting the firmaments right was a bitch. Enough already – DM if you need me.
11.59pm, 6 January, 0000
    Whether you believe in the big bang theory, or that God created the world in six days, this page represents the day the universe started. This is ‘Tweet zero’.

ADAM & EVE
    @God
Awesome: @Adam has got a Twitter account, so I’ll be able to keep an eye on him and @Eve. Guys, don’t eat from the Tree of Knowledge.
8.12am, 9 January, 0000
    @Serpent
@Adam @Eve Don’t listen to him. Eat from the tree of knowledge all you like. What happens in Eden stays in Eden.
11.44am, 9 January, 0000
    @Eve
Wow, the fruit from that tree is #Nom! @Adam had some too. We’re both rocking the fig leaf look now. Does my bum look big in this?
2.21pm, 9 January, 0000
    @God @Adam @Eve Erm, remember I follow you guys on Twitter. I saw what you did – you guys are sooo in the crap now.
2.24pm, 9 January, 0000
    @Adam
#FML
2.26pm, 9 January, 0000
[Retweeted by @Eve]
    This mini-saga of a man, a woman, a snake and a tree is filled with symbolism in the eyes of some religions.
NOAH AND THE FLOOD
    @Noah
As if the weather forecast said there was only a 40% chance of rain! Who’s even running this show? 11.48am, 12 March, 0000
    @DisgustedofTunbridgeWells
I know, right? All this rain but do they cancel the hosepipe ban? Like heck they do – tut!
11.49am, 12 March, 0000
    @Noah
It’s biblical correctness gone mad. Ah well, best get gathering some animals for the #ark.
11.52am, 12 March, 0000
    According to the book of Genesis, Noah saved himself, his family and a whole bunch of animals when the world was flooded.

LOT AND HIS DAUGHTERS
    @Lot
Relieved to see the back of Sodom (as it were).
Shame my wife became a pillar of salt, but #shithappens.
1.19pm, 30 March, 0000
    @Lot
One of my daughters has got me some wine.
Gonna push the boat out and get wasted tonight.
6.54pm, 2 April, 0000
    @Lot
Major league hangover situation going on today, but my other daughter has also got some wine.
I’m badass.
7.02pm, 3 April, 0000
    @Lot
You know when you get so drunk two nights running that you shag both your daughters? That.
11.48am, 4 April, 0000
    Imagine leaving Sodom only to get caught in a trap of incestuous drunkenness. Funny times.

ASTEROID WIPES OUT DINOSAURS
    @DailyExpress
Cave prices doomed as asteroid heads for earth! See pages 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 – and commemorative ‘Oh Crap!’ supplement
6.00am, 65,000000 BC
    @TRex
@DailyExpress An asteroid? Last week it was Muslims, before that – chavs, before that – dangerous dogs. We’re, like, whatever!
6.01am, 65,000000 BC
    @Asteroid
Hey @Earth, prepare for the ultimate spam…
6.29am, 65,000000 BC
    @Earth
Oh shit, where’s that ‘block’ button when you need it?
6.30am, 65,000000 BC
    Dinosaurs are believed to have become extinct when earth was hit by a huge asteroid approximately 65 million years ago.
MOSES PARTS THE RED SEA
    @Israelites
@Moses Okay, looks like @Pharaoh took your #FF a tad seriously and is *literally* following us…
5.11 am, 1300 BC
    @Pharaoh
I’m coming to get you, @Israelites!
5.14 am, 1300 BC
    @Moses
Fear not, @Israelites, watch this… *parts Sea of Reeds* #swag
7.11 am, 1300 BC
    According to Biblical legend, as the Israelites fled Egypt they were chased by Pharaoh. When they arrived at the Red Sea, Moses magically parted the waters to allow the Israelites safe passage, and then sent the water crashing over the Egyptians when they tried to follow.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
    @Moses
Totally bored on Mount Sinai. Anyone got any suggestions?
12.34pm, 1301BC
    @God
@Moses Have no other gods, no idols, don’t blaspheme, keep sabbath, honour your parents, no killing, adultery, theft, lies, or envy.
12.34pm, 1301BC
    @Moses
@God OMG – will RT and follow you back!
12.34pm, 1301BC
    According to the biblical book of Exodus, God inscribed the Ten