Free Collected Plays and Teleplays (Irish Literature) by Flann O’Brien

thanks.
    ( He bangs down the receiver and rushes exuberantly about the room, rubbing his hands gleefully; he is beside himself with delight. )
    KELLY: I’m home, Margaret. I’m home and dried. The votes aren’t all counted but he can’t beat me now no matter what happens! Cooper’s second and your brother’s last! Master James is beaten, beaten to the ropes. HE’S BEATEN! And I’m in—I’m elected. I’m in!
    MARGARET: ( Rising. ) Are you sure?
    KELLY: Certain. CERTAIN! Sure I just got it on the wire.
    ( The front door bell rings. )
    MARGARET: O, I don’t know what to say to you! I’m glad.
    ( She rushes over to him impetuously; he catches her in a sort of halfembrace but this is broken almost instantly as HANNAH bustles in from left to answer the door bell. She exits left back, taking no notice of KELLY and MARGARET . Almost at once, the confused, thick babel of SHAWN KILSHAUGHRAUN and the TOWN CLERK is heard from without. In a second they march in , SHAWN leading the way. The TOWN CLERK is threequarters drunk but has long experience in disguising the fact. SHAWN is not the type that can be changed by drink and for all anybody knows may be completely drunk. His hand is already outstretched on the way in preparation for a handclasp of congratulation. MARGARET has begun to retreat again from KELLY and sits down again on the sofa. )
    KELLY: ( Beaming. ) Well, well, well.
    TOWN CLERK: ( Only half in through door. ) Good evenin’, one and all. And good evenin’ yourself, Mrs. Crockett.
    SHAWN: Ah, Chairman, Chairman, may you long live to wear the great, grand, fine honour that has been saddled on you this day by the people of this grand old historic country. May you live for long, long years to enjoy—and re-enjoy—every bit of it—every little bitteen of it, avic.
    TOWN CLERK: ( Coming forward to take KELLY’S hand away from SHAWN .) Congratulations, Chairman. Begob, you’re the right boyo. Sure I always knew you were a potential T.D.—you were threatened with it since the cradle, man.
    KELLY: ( Genially. ) Thank you, gentlemen, thank you. Thank you very much.
    TOWN CLERK: Yerrah, not at all.
    KELLY: This much I will say. Never has a public man been the fortunate recipient of more whole-hearted co-operation and assistance from true friends than I was on the occasion of this great election. ( He turns to MARGARET .) Margaret, I owe more than I can ever repay to these two gentlemen——
    SHAWN: ( Grinning broadly. ) I do, I do.
    ( He makes his way heavily to the armchair near fire and sits. KELLY runs over again to MARGARET and sits down beside her solicitously. )
    KELLY: Margaret, these are the two best friends I have. Both of us should be grateful to them.
    MARGARET: Yes, I know. They worked very hard.
    TOWN CLERK: Yerrah now, don’t be talkin’ to me, shure it’s only part of the day’s work. ‘Tisn’t worth a fiddler’s curse.
    MARGARET: And what about your other friend? The man that wears the bowler hat. The rate collector.
    KELLY: ( Not so pleased. ) O, him?
    SHAWN: I do, I do. Shure he worked like a steam-injun and he got hundreds of pounds from nowhere, wherever the devil he collected it.
    KELLY: Yes. He also showed himself a good friend.
    TOWN CLERK: ( Sotto voce. ) An’ why wouldn’t he, after been lurried into a job.
    ( SHAWN has genially lowered himself into a chair and begun the long operation of preparing his pipe. The TOWN CLERK wanders to a backward position where he is not visible to the two on the sofa, takes a halfpint from his hip pocket and takes an enormous slug. )
    SHAWN: I do, I do. I congratulate you again, Chairman, but may the Lord comfort you and give you strength to bear the sad . . . terrible . . . mortifying . . . excruciating . . . fierce . . . trials and tribulations that you will meet with above in the Dail. Shure ‘tis like goin’ to bed with ten crocodiles—and without your boots on you itself.
    KELLY: ( Smiling. ) Ah, well, please God we will try, Shawn——
    (