Free Six Kids and a Stuffed Cat by Gary Paulsen Page A

Other than that vegan thing you talked about before?
    TAYLOR
    Like living in a tree house, maybe doing without electricity or prime numbers?
    MASON
    Taylor, I’m impressed. I don’t believe you can actually name a prime number, but big props for knowing the phrase. We’ll circle back to that concept later. (MASON and TAYLOR high-five)
    REGAN
    I could totally live off the land if I had to live in a commune. Hunting, fishing, building shelter.
    JORDAN
    You could not. You were worried about starving to death during a storm emergency.
    REGAN
    That’s because I was surprised and didn’t have time to get all my gear together. Under normal circumstances, I’m known for my preparedness. Gotta be on top of things when you’re in as many activities as I am.
    JORDAN
    I can’t believe we haven’t voted you CEO of the school yet.
    REGAN
    Me too! CEO, COO, CFO, and whatever other C-Os there are. I am the personification of school spirit in this building.
    JORDAN
    That’s the kind of thing you generally let other people say; announcing it just makes you come off even more obnoxious than you already are.
    REGAN
    I know. But I don’t let things like that get me down. I’m awesome that way. I am the most perfectly well-adjusted person you’ll ever meet. Probably because I’m in a ton of activities and have more friends than anyone else.
    JORDAN
    You say that like they’re good things.
    REGAN
    I say that like it’s the secret to life. Which, by the way, it is.
    MASON
    I think you’re wrong, Regan, the secret to life is good grades and enrichment classes and advanced placement and extra credit. For a person like me. But, Jordan, if I were you, I’d listen to what Regan has to say.
    REGAN
    Thanks, Mason, we’ll get back to you in a second. But first, semirhetorical question: Anyone notice that Jordan gets nosebleeds a lot?
    JORDAN
    (defensive, gingerly touching nose) : Yeah? So what.
    REGAN
    I read that bloody noses can be a side effect of nerves.
    JORDAN
    I’m the least nervous person you’ll ever meet, Regan. I’m an extrovert, in case you hadn’t noticed. Class clown. Most likely to make people pee from laughing at my jokes.
    REGAN
    You refused to try out for the school play when I asked you to keep me company at auditions.
    JORDAN
    I found the play selection derivative and trite.
    REGAN
    You had a completely bogus excuse for why you couldn’t be my partner on the debate team.
    JORDAN
    What’s bogus about the fact that it was a Thursday of a full moon week and my horoscope warned me to avoid oral conflict?
    REGAN
    You said you didn’t have time to devote to being in the big buddy program with me at the elementary school.
    JORDAN
    That would have entailed afternoon meetings and, as you know, I’ve got a standing date with the detention hall.
    REGAN
    You’ve never tried out for a single team, even though I always invite you to go out for basketball, tennis, track, soccer, lacrosse, and golf when I’m being evaluated for the teams.
    JORDAN
    What’s your point?
    REGAN
    My point is that I think you might be insecure.
    JORDAN
    (snorts) : I’m just not into calling attention to myself. Unlike Devon. (DEVON is now leading a clap-along, arms overhead, clapping to a steady beat, as if rousing the crowd to get to their feet and join in)
    REGAN
    Devon commits to the moment.
    JORDAN
    Yeah, too bad Devon doesn’t commit to reality. (winces, slaps forehead and shakes head in disgust. Everyone nods understandingly.)
    REGAN
    If I were to bet, I’d say that you secretly wish you were more like Devon. Go on, stand there and look me in the eye and tell me you don’t dream of becoming a stand-up comedian. I’d put money on the fact that you practice one-liners in the bathroom mirror and take notes so you’ll have funny things to say in conversations, don’t you?
    (JORDAN shifts uncomfortably, can’t think of