Free Bricking It by Nick Spalding

this has little effect on the cow. I doubt it bothers you too much to be told to fuck off when you weigh half a ton. These are the benefits of girth.
    Hayley tries another tactic.
    ‘If you don’t go away,’ she tells the cow, pointing her finger right between its big liquid eyes, ‘I will eat a hamburger right in front of you.’
    ‘Really?’ I say, rather contemptuously. ‘You think threatening to munch one of its relatives will get it to take to the hills, do you?’
    ‘It’ll get what I mean.’
    ‘Will it? I bloody don’t.’
    ‘It’s a threat, isn’t it?’ Hayley maintains. ‘Either you go away, or I’ll eat you the same way I’m eating this burger.’ To underline her point, Hayley mimes taking a bite out of an imaginary Big Mac.
    ‘I think you might be overestimating the cow’s brain capacity on that one,’ I say, in a withering tone.
    Hayley steps back. ‘Oh well, genius. You think of something then!’
    This presents something of a problem.
    I have no idea how to get rid of a cow any more than she does.
    Perhaps I’ll go for a more polite tone.
    I look down at the cow, which continues to chew slowly, and regards us both with blank-eyed disinterest. ‘Erm, excuse me, cow. Would you mind leaving our garden please?’ I entreat.
    ‘Oh yes! That’ll do it!’ Hayley roars. ‘There’s nothing more guaranteed to get a cow to move than – I don’t fucking believe it ! ’
    The cow is turning around. I am as stunned as Hayley. Who knew the bovine species responded so well to a polite request? Or is this a special cow? If I tried the same tactic with a different member of her species, would I get the same result? I’ll have to try it one day, when I’m completely alone, and possibly drunk.
    ‘There you go,’ I say to Hayley in a very self-satisfied tone. ‘Sometimes you just have to be nice.’
    ‘Oh, sod off. Where’s the bloody thing going to go now, though?’ Hayley comments, as the cow saunters off into the long grass.
    ‘Not a clue. But I’m sure if it found a way in, it’ll find a way out.’
    We both watch the cow disappear from view as the rolling garden field dips down towards the trees at the back of the property. ‘So that’s that then,’ I say, once I can no longer see the cow’s backside. ‘We’ve hired a builder and an architect.’
    ‘Yep. All we need to do now is re-mortgage the place once Mitchell and Fred provide us with a rundown of costs.’
    ‘How long is that likely to take?’
    Hayley shrugs. ‘Depends on how fast they work, I suppose. A month, maybe?’
    I sigh. I had hoped work could start quicker than that, but there’s no rushing these things – especially when you have other people involved, who work to their own schedules. I sniff the air. ‘I think the cow has left us another present,’ I remark.
    ‘Smells like it. Why don’t you chase after her and ask her not to do it again?’ Hayley takes on a simpering expression and grasps her hands together. ‘ Excuse me, cow. Would you mind awfully not shitting in our garden again? Thank you so, so much .’
    ‘Fuck off.’
    ‘That won’t work on me any better than it did the cow.’
    ‘Shall we get out of here and start on that mortgage application?’ I suggest. ‘I think we’ve accomplished about as much as we’re likely to today.’
    ‘Yeah, alright,’ Hayley agrees. ‘We’ve bonded with a cockney in a flat cap, and you’ve discovered a talent for cow whispering. I’d call that a productive day.’
    And with that we leave the house, before the smell of cow shit has a chance to permeate our clothes.
    As I ride away on the bike, I swear I catch sight of a black-and- white hide between the brambles, down the left-hand side of the farmhouse. That cow is going to be a problem, I just know it.
    Do they have pest exterminators that can deal with cows?
    Is that even a thing?
    I’ll have to ask Fred Babidge. I’m sure he’ll know someone.

HAYLEY
    May
    £12,826.16 spent
    T hese wellington