Free Lazy Days by Erlend Loe

the area covered by the scant underpants.
    The man follows her gaze.
    Have you?
    Are you asking whether I know how long…?
    Yes.
    It’s a few years since I checked.
    Yes, yes, but it doesn’t change.
    No.
    It’s not like your ears, or nose, which continue to grow throughout life.
    No.
    So if you knew before, you should know now.
    Yes.
    And how long was it before?
    Last time I checked it was 19 to 20 centimetres.
    Exactly the length these chocolate thingies I’m making should be! What a funny coincidence!
    Yes. But I remember thinking it was difficult to know where to measure from.
    I can well imagine that.
    So depending on where I measured from it was sometimes 19 and sometimes 20 centimetres.
    In an erect state?
    Yes, it… certainly was.
    Did you measure it from the very root, or what?
    Yes, I suppose I must have done, but it’s not so easy to say where the root starts.
    Let’s find out.
    OK.
    What’s your name by the way?
    Nothing.
    Haven’t you got a name?
    I don’t think we need names.
    Alright then. Who needs names? Look at me now.
    OK.
    I don’t quite know what you like, but if I stand like this, and a bit like this maybe, and put my hands here and lift them up like this, a bit towards you, and pout, does that have any effect?
    Er… yes.
    Goodness me! Mhm, nice. Well, I never. Would you mind if I hold it for a bit?
    Not at all.
    Now let me see… is it clean?
    Yes, I think so.
    Maybe we should give it a bit of a wash, just for safety’s sake. After all, we are cooking.
    Yes.
    Let’s just give it a rinse under the tap, there we go, and then I’ll press it into the cake mixture, like so… and a bit more… there we are!
    Right.
    Well, thanks a lot for your help.
    No problem.
    The woman is about to let go, but doesn’t after all. Writes Telemann. She looks at her hand and what it is holding. Her gaze meets his. And is this theatre? Or not? It’s still a bit too early to say. A swig of wine.
    Hey, I just had a thought.
    What do you mean?
    Well, I was thinking that while I’m here, holding you, I can feel quite a frisson, I have to confess, after all I’m not made of stone, and there’s no great rush for the chocolate thingies, so…
    Oh, yes?
    Well, what about if I grip you a bit tighter and, for instance, begin to move my hand backwards and forwards?
    And?
    Like this.
    Yes.
    Do you like it?
    Yes, it’s nice.
    You like it?
    Yes.
    And what if I kneel down?
    Why not?
    Can you see that my head is now more or less at the same height as… well… a part of your anatomy?
    Yes.
    How do you feel about that?
    I think it’s OK.
    You think it’s OK?
    Yes.
    I love putting things in my mouth, you know.
    Yes.
    I can’t help myself.
    Oh, yes.
    And later I might scrabble onto the worktop on all fours.
    I see.
    How do you feel about that?
    Sounds good.
    Alternatively I can lie on my back.
    Yes.
    And then there’s the cake mix.
    Yes.
    You can spread it all over and… am I beginning to talk too much?
    A little bit maybe… since you ask.
    Shall we just take things as they come?
    I think so.
    OK, then we’ll just take our time.
    But what about your husband?
    My husband?
    Yes.
    Forget about him.
    He’s not going to come home any minute, is he?
    Nononono. He’s an art collector.
    OK.
    From dawn to dusk.
    Oh, right.
    He doesn’t care anyway.
    Are you sure?
    He’s not interested in real life.
    OK.
    That’s enough about him.
    Right.
    Shall we get going then?
    Yes, let’s.
    Are you ready?
    I’m ready.

Telemann?!
    Telemann!!
    Are you still in there?
    Open the door!
    Telemann!!!
    German, German, German, German, German, German, German?
    German, German, German, German, German, Telemann, German, German, German, German.
    German, German?
    Bang! Bang!
    German, German, German, German, German, German, German, German, German, Krankenhaus?

Where am I?
    Hi, Telemann! Good to see you’ve come round.
    What happened?
    We’ll come to that later. Just rest for now.
    German, German, German?
    What is she saying?
    She’s asking