Free Diary of a Nerd King #2: The Complete 2nd Season - Episodes 1 to 8 by Matt Ballard

the first thing I did when Boogie and I sat down at our table, was to open my milk and take a big, long pull on it. 
     

     
    I know what you’re thinking.  Why would I take a huge drink if it tasted funny? 
     
    Well, you know how it is when you’re thirsty, you grab a drink, and start gulping it down to quench your thirst.  You’re drinking so fast, and you’re just concentrating on relieving your thirst. 
    You don’t really taste it until you’re practically finished the drink, which is exactly what happened to me.
     
    Of course, by that time, I was already feeling like the milk was going to come back up, and I was starting to look around to see what was the safest direction to release an atomic size spray of regurgitated, funny tasting milk. 
     

     
    Luckily, I didn’t throw up after all, because there really wasn’t any safe directions available.  I would’ve either had to launch my funny tasting milk attack in Boogie’s direction, or to the right which would’ve hit a table full of girls, who just happened to be fairly popular girls, which would’ve made soaking them in thrown up milk even more disastrous than if they were just regular girls. 
     
    Behind me wasn’t an option either.  That would’ve meant soaking a  whole table full of jocks and sports guys, which would’ve basically meant the end of my life about 20 seconds after they realized who’d done it.
     

    (The jocks should all just wear T-shirts with the Skull and Crossbones on them because, basically, if you mess with them, you’re dead!)
     
    It was a pretty full cafeteria, and there really weren’t any safe directions to be releasing a shower of thrown-up milk in.  Like I said, I was lucky I didn’t end up throwing up after all.
     
    Once I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to throw up, I sat there feeling a little queasy, uncertain of what to do next. 
     
    I considered going to the bathroom and making myself throw up to get rid of the milk that was circling around in my guts in big, queasy feeling circles, but the thought of that awful feeling of your stomach lurching and the terrible after-taste made me decide to wait it out a bit.
     

     
    The next thing that popped into my head was rats.  Lots and lots and lots of rats.  Millions of them.  And each one was hooked up to a tiny little milking machine like they use to get the milk out of cows. 

     
    Remember that Simpsons episode, "Mayored to the Mob," where Homer finds out Fat Tony and the Mob made a deal with Mayor Quimby to sell rat’s milk to the schools?
     

     
    It’s a great episode, but it really makes you think after you get a big mouthful of bad tasting milk with your school lunch.  I mean, really, who’s to say that they don’t give us rat’s milk at school?
     
    What if some big shot business guy was watching that episode of the Simpsons with his kids and thought it was a great idea?  There’s probably a LOT more money to be made by milking rats than there is from milking cows.
     

     
    Think about it!  Rats are everywhere.  You can even breed them yourself so you don’t have to buy them.  They eat a lot less than cows, and they’re a lot smaller so it’s easier to find a place to keep them. 
     
    Really, now that I think about it, milking rats is probably a genius idea.  I’d be really surprised if somebody isn’t doing it! 
     
     
    Saturday
     
    Boogie and I were working on our YouTube show today, and Boogie’s Dad actually helped us come up with a great idea!  He had the radio on in the kitchen and was listening to the news while he was emptying the dishwasher.
     

    (We call it “Dad’s Dishwasher” because it basically is.  I don’t know how it works in your house, but in our house, doing the dishes is one of Dad’s chores that Mom has assigned to him.)
     
    Boogie was asking him something, and then the news guy on the radio started talking about all these snakes that are causing trouble in the swamps in Florida.