Free Couplehood by Paul Reiser

more perfect.
    Like when you’re in a store, and you’re ready to buy something, but you still ask the guy if there’s anything “in the back.”
    “You don’t have this a little bigger? A little smaller? More blue? Less blue?”
    “No, just what’s out there.”
    “Well, you want to do me a favor and go
look
in the back?”
    “We don’t even have a ‘back.’ We just have an ‘out there.’ If you haven’t seen it out there, then there’s no such thing. I’d go with what you already got there.”
    But still, we look. I’ve seen men—adult men, mature men, experienced men—sow their wild oats, find a wonderful mate, and say, “That’s it, I’m ready to settle down.” Then a woman from another country walks by—“Hey,I didn’t know
she
was out there. I may have spoken too soon.… Apparently
she
is a consideration as well.…”
    Again, I refer you to my dog.
    Did you ever ask a dog if they want to go out for a walk
while
they’re already out for a walk? They still get excited. The fact that they’re currently enjoying a walk doesn’t matter. They want to see what a
different
walk would be like.
    S ometimes I’m embarrassed by how powerful the “turn around and look” instinct is. I was once driving and saw a woman driving by in the opposite direction, and I actually turned around to look. I’m staring at her
car.
I’m basically straining to look at the rear end of a Toyota Camry, but still, I felt the need to look.
    I’m not proud of this, you understand, I’m just saying.
    Often, the curiosity we have is very limited, and very specific, and surprisingly
tame.
I know many is the occasion I’ve seen an attractive woman, and all I’ve wanted to say was, “Excuse me, but could I just feel your calf?”
    More as a research project than anything else. “I was interested in the area on your back—just above your belt. It has an alluring muscularity, yet it’s in no wayunfeminine. What exactly would that feel like? Rather smooth and nice, I’d imagine. May I?”
    And then, with her blessing, you feel the back, and you’re done.
    “Just as I imagined: Fleshy and Good. Taut, yet not unyielding. Thank you.” And you go on your way.
    I was recently out for dinner with my loved one and noticed a striking woman sitting a few tables over. Now, because I’m not an idiot, I made a point of not noticing her. You wouldn’t believe how I didn’t notice her. She could have burst into flames—I’m telling you, I wouldn’t have noticed.
    My wife notices I’m not noticing.
    She says, “She
is
cute.”
    “Who?”
    “ ‘Who?’ ” she says, mocking me. “Miss 110 pounds of blonde over there.”
    “Where?”
    “Oh stop.”
    I didn’t even get credit for not looking. I was apparently whimpering like a dog trying not to go for the biscuit on his nose.
    Now, if you’re ever out with the One For Whom You’ve Forsaken All Others, and you do find you’re inadvertently gazing at Other, you can try to recover somedignity by pretending you’re looking for some specific reason.
    “Hey, Honey, doesn’t that woman look like your cousin Cheryl?”
    And if they want to cooperate, they’ll say, “Where?
Her
? She looks nothing like Cheryl.” And you laugh it off. “I guess I’m just a big idiot,” and you keep walking.
    Or, you say, “Hey, look at that girl over there. She’s got a stomach like a guy.”
    Your loved one turns around. “Where?”
    “Oh, you can’t see it now. She just sat down.”
    The key to this one is bringing it up
first.
Otherwise, you have that much more ill will to overcome.
    Now again, I’m not
proud
of any of this behavior. I’m just passing it on to you, the consumer.
    S ometimes, you can
both
stare at people and enjoy a rousing game of “Let’s Figure Out What’s Wrong with
Them
.” Fun in airports, restaurants, wherever you go.
    “See that girl over there—with the earrings? She’s with security. Used to be CIA.”
    “Okay. The guy over