Free Couplehood by Paul Reiser Page B

doesn’t sound exactly true, I’ll bend the truth. I’ll work around it, give them the benefit of the doubt.
    Because they start off normal enough: “I went downto get the mail, but to my surprise, the regular mailman had been replaced by a beautiful blond woman.…”
    Okay, that’s not crazy. Why not? A blond person delivers his mail—maybe he lives in Milwaukee, heavy Scandinavian population …
    “… It was a hot day, she came inside, I offered her a drink, she took off her shirt …”
    Okay, that’s not crazy. It’s hot, maybe she had that shirt-sticking-to-your-back-thing going on, so she
had
to take it off.… So far, he’s not lying.
    “… We had a few drinks, suddenly one thing led to another, and we were all over each other. I was here, she was there … we were touching, we were rubbing, we were biting … Suddenly, my neighbor, a bikini model who was recently widowed, comes in and
she
gets in the action, too …”
    Alright. Maybe the neighbor was concerned. She heard the furniture being tossed about, she was alarmed. She comes in, they’re naked, she’s dressed—she was embarrassed. No one likes to be overdressed. So she strips down and gets in there, too. So far, he’s writing an honest letter.
    “… We’re touching, we’re moving, and these three cheerleaders were coming home from practice …”
    Who’s to say he
doesn’t
live near a high school?
    “… Now the
six
of us are rolling around my Barca-Lounger …”
    And then he goes too far.
    “… And after nine hours, we took a shower and did it again.”
    You did not!
You did nothing of the kind. Why can’t you just be honest? “After nine hours, I had a heart attack and almost died.” Then, I could have sympathy for the guy. “Well, sure you got hurt, look what you tried to do. That’s too much.”
    Just be honest. That’s all.
    T he big problem with sex, I believe, is faulty advertising. It’s always sold as something “to be shared” by two people.
    Right there: the word “share.” That’s where the problem starts.
    Sex is not about sharing. It never was and it never will be.
    I don’t care how sensitive you think you are, if you’re making love, and you freeze-frame the action, at any given second,
one
of the two people is thinking: “I hope this feels good for
you
because
I
got a cramp you wouldn’t believe.… No kidding around, I have no feeling in my left hip.… That last little motion was entirely for
your
benefit.”
    You’re either giving or you’re taking.
    “That was for
you
, this is for
me.
This is for you,that’s for me.…” You take turns. You alternate. The trick is to alternate quickly and consistently enough, so the whole thing is a big blur and everyone goes home a winner.
    E ven kissing is complicated.
    Kissing is a wonderful thing, but there’s an inherent design flaw: I don’t think anyone’s face is supposed to be that close to your face for that length of time.
    It’s just odd. If for no other reason, it’s frightening. Why do you think people close their eyes when they kiss? Think about it. In the real world, if you saw someone an inch and a half away, coming at you with their eyes open and their lips puckered, you’d scream. It’s alarming.
    Plus, it’s not particularly flattering. For either of you. So you close your eyes. It’s safe; no one has to know what you look like in that condition.
    We close our eyes
unless
the kiss goes on a really long time. If the kiss goes on too long, you will
sneak open
one eye and
peek
at the other person.
    Everyone does this, and I’m not sure why. I guess we want to make sure it’s still going on. Because that would make you look dumb—the kiss is over and no one told you. You’re still going and she’s reading a magazine—you’re going to look very bad.
    S ometimes people open their eyes just to
check
on the other person. This happens in new relationships. There are too many unknowns. So if you’re kissing, and she