Free Couplehood by Paul Reiser Page A

there—eating by himself? Just broke up with his girlfriend.”
    “No
, she left
him
.”
    “For her aerobics instructor.”
    “Good call.”
    “Okay, okay, okay—the lady over there, with the two kids? Those are not her children.”
    “She’s not even related.”
    “She takes different children out every weekend, because she loves children but is sadly unable to have any of her own.”
    “Because of a radiation leak in the town where her husband used to work.”
    “Which killed him, by the way.”
    “Yeah, because otherwise, how come he’s not here?”
    “Exactly.”
    W atching other
couples
is even more fun. You can make up stories
and
be really judgmental at the same time.
    “Oh, they’re not happy at all.”
    “No, they’re not.… Look how he doesn’t look at her when she’s talking.”
    “Just keeps eating his soup.… She’s talking, he’s eating.…”
    “You know, they haven’t made love in over five months.”
    “Because he’s cheating on her.”
    “And she knows about it.”
    “Of course she knows.”
    “That’s what she’s talking about. She knows who the woman is, where they’ve been meeting.…”
    “And he can’t look up because shell see it in his eyes—”
    “And she’ll know she’s right.”
    “Of course she’s right.”
    “Bastard.”
    “Makes me sick.”
    Of course, sometimes it backfires and blows up in your face.
    “See that couple over there?”
    “Yeah?”
    “Look how he keeps squeezing her arm. And he really looks at her when she’s talking. I love that.”
    “
I
look at you when you’re talking.… I mean, not
now
, because we’re looking at them, but ordinarily.…”
    “Are they more affectionate than us?”
    “No.”
    “They look really affectionate.”
    “They’re not. They’re exactly the same amount affectionate as we are. In fact, if anything, less so.”
    Then we watch them a little more desperately, looking for flaws.
    “Do you like her hair?”
    “Why?”
    “Just tell me my hair doesn’t look like that.”
    “It doesn’t.”
    “Really?”
    “You can’t even compare. You have beautiful hair, and hers is all dyed and yucky and stupid. She has stupid hair.”
    “She really does, doesn’t she?”
    “I’m telling you.”
    A moment. “Then how come he’s so affectionate?”

Bing-
Bang-
Boom
    S exually speaking, when two people first get together, it’s easy to be impressive. They’ve never seen the show before, so every trick is a crowd pleaser.
    “Watch this. You watching? Hey—look at that. Didn’t expect
that
, did you? Of course not. I’m very, very good.”
    But after a while, you run out of tricks. The bag is empty. The lights go up, and you have to tell the truth. “Ummm, that’s basically it. That’s all I know. Good night everybody.… Drive safely.”
    You can’t even
think
of what else could be done. Youboth just accept that this is pretty much what it’s going to be for the rest of your lives.
    Of course, the
big
fear would be that they’re
not
impressed. “That doesn’t feel good? Really. Hmm. In my last relationship, that was a big hit. For six years, that was a very popular move. But you’re saying it’s actually more of an
irritant
? Hmm. Interesting.… I’d like you to see the show again tomorrow. This was an off night.”
    Y ou know what ruins sex for a lot of guys? The letters to
Penthouse
magazine. Have you ever read them? Me neither, but a friend of mine did and he told me …
    What they have are letters written by presumably normal people like ourselves, and we read them and go, “Where does this happen? I’ve never heard anything like this.
I’ve
picked up hitchhikers, they didn’t do any of that. They just got out of the car when we got there, and left.”
    And all these boasting figures: “I’ve never considered myself big, but at eleven inches …” Oh come on. My
leg
is eleven inches.
    They don’t realize I
want
these letters to be true. I’m rooting for them. And if it