Free Loved - A Novel by Kimberly Novosel

families and had some semblance of a relationship with God. I had such a strong awareness of the importance of having God in my life that once I was on my own, the timewhen many people lose the drive to attend church, I had been visiting Nashville churches trying to find one that suited me.  Though I was raised Catholic, I had chosen not to be confirmed and instead was considering other denominations. I felt that Catholicism had some wonderful traditions but was too based on God’s laws and I thought that the teachings often overlooked the importance of God’s love.
                  One Sunday, Megan and I visited a church that we had heard many Belmont students attended. It was called River and it was in the Brentwood area just south of Nashville.  River was very evangelical. The leaders laid hands on people, the congregation was prone to throwing their hands in the air during songs or during the Sermon, and both the leaders and the church body spoke in tongues. 
                  If I was looking for more passion in a Church, this one definitely had it. The pastor was very charismatic, with a blinding smile and humor in his Sermons. The music was fantastic, which is probably a big reason why Belmont students enjoyed the Church. Megan and I continued to attend and Brian often joined us. Sometimes, on our way to church, we would divert our path to the Cracker Barrel for breakfast instead but most weeks we at least tried to go.
                 
                  I went home for Christmas break. Chase and I had hardly been in contact, but he knew I was in town and he wanted to see me. I wanted nothing more than to believe that there was still something there between us, even if now wasn’t the time, and even if I was getting serious with Brian.  It was as if there were two of me, Chase’s Kit and Brian’s Kim, and though only one was dominant at any given time, they both existed inside me, hoping and loving and aching.
                  Chase had rearranged his bedroom furniture. It felt strange to me, like there was less of me in it, like the memories we created together had been displaced. We put a movie on but mostly we just talked; we curled up on the bed with him sitting a safe distance away. He was completely closed off. I talked to fill the space, telling him about school and about some song lyrics I had been writing. I didn’t know why, exactly, but I was still trying to show him how perfect we were for each other. Maybe I wanted him to fight for me or to wait for me. I made an effort not to talk about Brian and he didn’t ask. I wanted so badly for him to touch me, to move closer to me and put his hand on my hip or run his fingers through my hair but he didn’t. He kept his distance and would barely even look me in the eye. I knew it was hard for him. It was hard for me and I was the one who was seeing someone else.  I was the one who was supposed to be happy.
     
                  Brian came to Westville for New Year’s Eve. We stayed in and watched the countdown on TV. It felt wrong having him there in the world I came from. It was good for him to spend time with my parents and to see where I grew up, like boyfriends are supposed to do, but I felt like he didn’t quite fit. He was in the wrong story. Or maybe I was.
                  I found myself relieved to drive him to the airport on New Year’s Day. I could hardly see through the snow when I got back on the road toward Westville. I drove slowlyand carefully, trying to figure out why I couldn’t let Brian in. I had compartmentalized him with Megan and the drinking, all tied together in some corner of my mind. None of that was the real me. Chase knew the real me. He had all the parts of me that Brian was missing.
                  I called my parents and told them I was stopping at Meredith’s for a while. I called Meredith and told her that if my parents called