Free OtherSide Of Fear (Outside The Ropes #3) by Ashley Claudy

way he said it, made me feel stupid for being here, unwanted.
    “I would have deserved it.”
    “What do you deserve?” I turned to look at him, emotions boiling to the surface. “What have you done?”
    His lips pressed tight, and he watched the traffic as he turned onto the main road. “I don’t deserve you or the patience you’ve shown.” He pulled his glasses off and looked at me. His eyes were bloodshot and tired. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”
    “Why?” His words tangled around my heart, pulling at it, hurting it. I strained to talk through the tightness in my throat. But as I thought over what he said, my anger flamed higher. “What are you doing, and why shouldn’t I forgive you? Is it never going to change? Are you not willing to try?” I gripped my stomach—it was churning.
    He tightened his hold on the wheel, knuckles turning white, and shook his head without speaking.
    His non-response only drove home my worst fears. This talk wouldn’t be us making things better. “Then why did even bother picking me up? You might as well let me out now.”
    “Don’t be irrational, you have no where to go.”
    That was a punch to the gut. He didn’t care that I’d leave, as long as I had somewhere to go. He really would have been happier if I stayed with Dexter. “Don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself.”
    “I know you can.” He glanced at me with a watery smile. The emotion in it scared me more than anything else. “I wish you didn’t have to.”
    I was drowning in my sadness, it bubbled in my chest and choked me. I shook away his words. Whatever was happening didn’t make sense. I needed to stick to my plan and get answers.
    “Where have you been?” I questioned.
    “The club.” He gave an automatic response. The response he always gave for everything.
    “The club, that’s all I ever hear from you. What is going on that takes so much time? That would make you leave your family so suddenly?” Tears burned my eyes and throat.
    “It’s complicated.” He pulled his gaze from the road to look at me and shook his head, voice soft. “Just know I’m sorry. I never wanted it to be this way…yet, here we are.” He swallowed, throat moving with the force. “Let’s save this for when we get home. We need to talk.”
    All anger drained from me, leaving me empty and cold. It didn’t sound like we’d be having a conversation; it sounded like he’d already made up his mind.
***
    I walked into the condo and silently sat on the couch, waiting for him to begin speaking, heart stuck in my throat.
    He sat next to me, leaning forward on his knees as he stared at the ground. “I’m sorry. I’ve made so many mistakes in this. I just wanted to keep you.” He looked up at me, red eyes glossy with tears. “I wanted to keep you safe. I wanted to keep you to myself. You were the one good thing I had still, and I thought I could keep it all separate. But this life won’t let me, and I’ve done too much to deserve anything good.” He grabbed my hand, wrapping it in his clammy grasp. “But God I love you. If you don’t believe anything I say, believe that.”
    I held my breath, body shaking as I waited for his next words. Words I knew were coming. Words that would kill the life I thought I had. I wanted to stop them—stop him from speaking them.
    “But, it’s not fair to you. None of this is. You’ve got this life you’re making, and it’s a good one. You’ve got school, and friends, and your career. I—”
    “No.” I pulled my hand from his, tears slick on my face as I shook my head. “You don’t get to say this. You’re what I want, none of the other stuff. You know this. Just talk to me, tell me what’s going—”
    “I can’t. Not after what I’ve done. You need to get away, and I have to let you go.”

 
8: Slipping
    THE TREMORS STARTED FROM WITHIN—A SHAKING in my core, an earthquake cracking all my barriers, my foundation. I tried to keep it together,