Free Charlie Bumpers vs. the Perfect Little Turkey by Bill Harley

don’t know,” I said. “Probably Calculus.”
    Calculus was a sinister mastermind from the Evil Eye galaxy who had once figured out how to get into everyone’s bank accounts, taken billions of dollars, and then built a machine to destroy Planet Xanthos. Buck Meson caught him and put him in the Intergalactic Cyberprison, but Calculus programmed the doors of the prison to open with a remote device and he escaped along with all the other super criminals.
    Until Buck Meson’s electron stare paralyzed him.
    “You’re Calculus! Hah!” Chip aimed a karate kick at me.
    “Stop it, Chip,” I said.
    He vaulted over the back of the couch and ranaround yelling, “I can’t stop! I’m fighting Calculus! I’m the hero, Buck Meson!”
    Chip was bonkers. Maybe the sugar and food he’d been eating all day long was suddenly making him a wild man.
    “Sit down!” the Squid shouted.
    “Okay, okay,” Chip said, bounding into my dad’s big easy chair. He sat there, bouncing up and down on the seat.
    After what seemed like forever, the show started. As soon as the Buck Meson theme song came on,Chip got up again. “Wait a minute!” he said. “I want to get something!”

    “What?” I asked.
    “Pause it!” he said. “I’ll be right back.”
    I paused the show. I was getting pretty frustrated.
    Chip ran out of the room and came back in with the big jar of Swedish Fish. I couldn’t believe it—half of them were gone already! He must have been eating them all day long. He opened the jar, took out a handful, and stuffed them in his mouth.
    “Okay,” he said. “Start it.” He plopped back down and started kicking his legs against the chair. But at least he wasn’t talking and I could watch the show.
    As the program began, Buck Meson was leaving his planet in the Andromeda Galaxy to visit Earth in his transport module.
    “That’s just like your model!” Chip shouted. “The one I saw in your room.”
    “Be quiet!” the Squid said. “Charlie wants to watch the show.”
    I could tell she was getting mad.
    After about ten minutes of the show, Matt stuck his head in the family room.
    “Aren’t you going to watch with us?” I asked.
    “Nope,” he said. “I’m going up to my room—to a galaxy far, far away.”
    Three minutes later, Chip jumped up again. “I have to go the bathroom,” he said. “Pause it.”
    “Just hurry up and go,” I said. “You won’t miss much.”
    “Please pause it,” he begged. “I don’t want to miss anything. And I really have to go.”
    “Okay,” I said, pushing the pause button. “But I’m not waiting long!” Tommy was going to call as soon as it was over and I didn’t want him to get ahead of me.
    Chip tore up the stairs.
    “Chip is a
p-a-n-e,
” the Squid said.
    “You mean
p-a-i-n,
” I said.
    We sat there for a moment, staring at the frozen screen. Suddenly the Squid got up. “I want to get my pony pillow,” she said. “I’ll be right back!”
    “Mabel!” I groaned. “Hurry up!”
    The Squid scampered up the stairs. Now I was waiting for
two
little kids.
    Uncle Ron and Mom had come back and they were in the living room with Dad, listening to music and talking. Matt was in his room, probably with his headphones on. Finally the Squid came hopping back down the stairs and ran in with her pillow.
    “Where’s Chip?” I asked.
    “Still in the bathroom,” she said. “You can go ahead and watch. It’s okay.”
    “Are you sure?”
    “Yep!” she said.
    I hit Play and we went back to watching the show.
    It was great—in my opinion the best
Buck Meson
yet. When he got to Earth, he immediately got caught by some intergalactic criminals. And I was right—Calculus was behind it all!
    Every once in a while I thought about Chip, but then I figured he just got interested in something else and didn’t want to watch anymore.
    After about twenty minutes had gone by, Chip still hadn’t returned. That seemed a little weird. He’d been bugging me all day, and suddenly