Free The Best of Archy and Mehitabel by Don Marquis

mehitabel on him
    she can lick any bull terrier who ever lived
    she will make ribbons out of that pete
    and they wont be dog show ribbons either
    as for his pretensions to being a thoroughbred
    i take no stock in them
    i asked a flea of his about it
    recently and the flea said
    i doubt peters claim to aristocracy
    very much he does not look like
    an aristocrat to me
    and more than that he does not taste like one
    i have bit some pretty swell dogs
    in my time and i ought to know
    if pete is an aristocrat
    then i am a bengal tiger
    but in hard times like these
    a flea has got to put up with
    any kind of dog he can get hold of
    back in 1928 when things were booming
    i wouldnt look at anything
    but a dachshund with a pedigree
    as long as himself
    if the government doesnt start
    to putting out a better brand of dogs
    at federal expense
    a lot of us fleas are going
    to turn communist in a big way
    if there was any justice in this country
    they would give us russian wolf hounds
    i find a lot of discontent among
    insects in these days
    archy

archy and the labor troubles
    all right boss
    i knuckle under
    if you will not
    pay me anything
    for what i write
    then you will not
    i will return to the job
    just to keep james the spider
    out of it but all the
    same it is cruel of you
    to play upon the
    jealousies
    and susceptibilities
    of artists in that fashion
    i do not know how
    you expect me to be
    merry and bright
    with this dull ache
    of disillusionment at my
    heart and the sharp
    pang of hunger
    in my stomach
    some day i will plunge
    into a mince pie
    and mingle with its elements
    and you will never see
    me more and then
    maybe you will begin
    to appreciate
    the poor little cockroach
    who slaved that you might
    live in comfort
    maybe in spite of myself
    i will haunt you then
    if i were you i would hate
    to be haunted by the ghost
    of a cockroach
    think of it boss
    everywhere you looked
    to see a spectral cockroach
    that none but you knew was
    there to pick him from
    your shirt front when
    others were blind to him
    to feel him crawling
    on your collar in public
    places to be compelled
    to brush him from your plate
    when you sat down to dine
    to pluck him always from the glass
    before you dared to drink
    to extend your hand
    to grab that of some fair
    lady and then hesitate and
    pick him from her wrist
    people would begin to think
    you were a little
    queer boss and if you
    attempted to explain
    they would think you still
    queerer what in the world
    is the matter with you
    they would say
    oh nothing nothing at all
    you would answer
    plucking at the air
    it will soon pass i merely
    thought i saw a cockroach
    on your nose madam
    suspicions of your sanity
    would grow and grow
    do you not like that
    pudding your hostess would ask
    and you would murmur
    being taken off your guard
    it is very good pudding
    indeed i was just
    trying not to eat
    the cockroach
    boss i do not make
    any threats at all
    i just simply state what
    may very well happen to
    you through remorse if you
    drive me to suicide
    i will try not to
    haunt you boss because
    i am loving and forgiving
    in my spirit but who
    knows that i will not be
    compelled to haunt you
    in spite of myself
    a hard heart will not get
    you anything boss
    remember the plagues
    of egypt perhaps to
    your remorseful mind i
    will be multiplied
    by millions i am giving
    you a last chance to
    repent you should be glad
    that i am only a cockroach
    and not a tarantula
    yours prophetically
    archy

economic
    boss i should like
    to discuss one or two
    business matters with you
    quite seriously
    in the first place i need
    some sort of head gear such as
    football players wear
    i have to butt each
    key of the typewriter
    with my head
    and i am developing
    calluses on my brain
    these calluses on my
    brain are making me cruel
    and careless in my thoughts
    i am becoming brutal
    almost human
    in my writings
    and then i would like
    a little automobile
    i have to go from place
    to place so much

    and then i would like a