Free Doctors of Philosophy by Muriel Spark

my nails beautifully lacquered for young Charlie. Everything must be perfect for Charlie’s Ritzy lunch. It’s his first and it might be the last. Do you want me to sound young Charlie on what he’s prepared to accept in final settlement?
    C HARLIE. Settlement of what?
    A NNIE. The marriage.
    C HARLIE. Tell him I’ll have him in court for paternity.
    L EONORA’S VOICE. … a child …
ANNIE goes out.
    C HARLIE. Daphne will have to come and fix this. I’ve made a mess of it. (Shouts.) Daphne!
    CATHERINE. You said that Leonora was putting on an act.
    C HARLIE. I didn’t mean it.
    CATHERINE. It’s a strange admission for a prospective professor of economics to say that he said what he didn’t mean.
    C HARLIE. I was not on the lecture platform. One is entitled to say what one doesn’t mean in one’s own home. (Shouts.) Daphne!
Enter MRS. S.
    M RS. S. She’s upstairs with her stomach. Are young Charlie’s ma and pa Ph.D.’s?
    CATHERINE. No, they’re not.
    M RS. S. Are they academics of any variety?
    CATHERINE. No, they’re in cement.
    M RS. S. Well, that’s one good thing. It’ll improve the stock, if you know your eugenics, not to mention ethnology.
Enter DAPHNE.
    D APHNE. What do you think you’re doing? You’ve unwound it wrong.
    C HARLIE. Well, do something, don’t just—
    D APHNE (as she rushes out, sick). Oh, I’m dying. M RS. S. You should mind how you speak to Daphne in her condition. What time they coming tonight?
    CATHERINE. Seven-thirty for eight.
    C HARLIE. Who’s coming?
    CATHERINE. The Westons are coming to dinner.
    MRS. S . Chicken Maryland. Cucumber salad. Daphne won’t keep it down. She can’t keep down the medicine. Hark at her up there. (Goes out.)
    CHARLIE. Who are the Westons?
    CATHERINE. Young Charlie’s parents. We are to discuss the young couple’s future.
    CHARLIE. I can’t afford to discuss the young couple’s future. I can’t afford to discuss my own future. The future doesn’t bear thinking of. The whole world is on the verge of starvation if the population increases at its present rate, and you ask me to discuss the future.
    CATHERINE. I’m going to leave you, Charlie. I have decided. I’m going to start a new life.
Enter MRS. S.
    M RS. S. Annie’s laid out her scarlet velvet to wear tonight. She seems to think that it’s going to be an occasion.
    CATHERINE. The one with the enormous skirt. Annie will have to pack and go. We owe it to Daphne. Annie must leave us this afternoon.
    M RS. S. I told her, I said, ‘Annie, it isn’t a celebration tonight, it’s a sober reckoning of the fruits of sin.’
    CHARLIE. If you mean to insult my daughter, Mrs. S., you can go. Your cards are stamped up to date.
    CATHERINE. Charlie, I suggest you go and stay at your club, or get a flat somewhere. Just leave the house. I can manage without you, but I can’t manage without Mrs. S.
    M RS. S. No, Mrs. D., what’s said can’t be unsaid. I take my cards this instant. Lunch is in the oven, help yourselves.
Enter LEONORA.
    L EONORA. I feel terrible.
    C HARLIE. What’s the matter, Leonora?
    LEONORA. I’m frightened.
    CATHERINE. Have a drink, Leonora. What’s the matter ?
    LEONORA. I’ve done something with my life for the first time in my life.
    M RS. S. Never!
    L EONORA. I’ve accepted a four-year lectureship in America. I sent off a wire early this morning. I might have a confirmation of the appointment by this evening. It frightens me.
    M RS. S. Oh go on, Leonora, have a bash at it.
    CATHERINE. Four years!
    L EONORA. Four years at least.
    CATHERINE. What shall I do without you, Leonora? I depend on my visits to Oxford, and your visits here. We’ve never been parted for four months together, never mind four years.
    C HARLIE. Is there a man behind this, Leonora?
    L EONORA. What do you mean? C HARLIE. I thought you were rather thick with that professor of Ionic Studies from Columbia when he was over here last summer. Self-opinionated and overpaid. Not your type at all, Leonora.