Free Doctors of Philosophy by Muriel Spark Page B

sharp.
    D APHNE. Annie, could you make a telephone call for me? Kensington 9082. Some people I don’t want to talk to, the Dolphins. Tell them the tape recorder will be delivered tomorrow at half past ten.
    ANNIE. May I tell Mary you’re engaged to marry a charming young nuclear physicist without delay?
    D APHNE. NO. Whatever you do, don’t mention nuclear physicist. It’s a disgrace to be engaged to a nuclear physicist. You just say, ‘Daphne is sending Eunice’s tape recorder tomorrow at about half past ten.’ What are you to say?
    ANNIE (holding imaginary telephone). Hallo — Mary? This is Annie. I’m lovely, thank you, how are you? Listen, Mary, I’ve got a message for Eunice from Daphne. She’s returning the tape recorder tomorrow at half past ten. Charlie will bring it. No, dear, Charlie Brown, you don’t know him. No, Mary, no, Daphne can’t come to the telephone, she’s got stomach trouble, tell Eunice. No, nothing serious, it will just take time.
Enter MRS. S . with cup of tea for CHARLIE.
    Will she — ? Just a minute, I’ll ask her —. Daphne, will you be fit to sit in Trafalgar Square next week?
    M RS. S. No, and a good thing too. It gives you piles sitting on the pavement. Besides, she’ll be on her honeymoon.
Goes out.
    D APHNE. That’s highly questionable.
    ANNIE (into imaginary telephone). It’s highly questionable. I must run now, Mary, I’ve got to change for dinner. I know Mary, I know it’s only three-fifteen, but this is a dress rehearsal. Yes, I’ll ring again. Goodbye.
    CHARLIE B. Good for Annie! You should be on the stage.
    ANNIE. Charlie, it’s very odd that you should say that. It’s exactly what my C.O. in the Wrens said when we were having a little argument about the length of my hair. I said, ‘I’m not going to have it cut short, that’s all. — Not when I’m having all this success I’m not going to cut off my hair; it goes beautifully with my uniform and my tricorn hat, as you can see for yourself.’ Well, she just looked at me and she said, ‘You should be on the stage.’
    D APHNE. Kensington 9082.
Exit ANNIE.
    LEONORA enters by French windows.
    CHARLIE B. Hallo doctor, I been waiting for you.
    LEONORA. Good afternoon, Charlie. Daphne, how are you feeling?
    D APHNE. Both ways. Physically on the retreat. Mentally in the advance guard, preparing for a big offensive.
    C HARLIE B. You put that very neat, Miss. Personally, I’m the other way about, physically like a tank regiment but me mind is on the run. I come to see the doctor about it.
    L EONORA. You’ve met a suitable young lady, Charlie?
    C HARLIE B. I’ve met three.
    L EONORA. You will have to make up your mind between them.
    C HARLIE B. I don’t fancy any of them. You know those reading lamps? I didn’t buy one. Couldn’t make up my mind.
    L EONORA. You will have to let things drift.
    CHARLIE B. No, I’m one of those people that’s fated to do something because—
    D APHNE. So am I, Charlie.
    CHARLIE B. You getting married soon, so Mrs. S. has intimated.
    D APHNE. It’s questionable.
    C HARLIE B. That’s how I feel about the widow.
    LEONORA. You didn’t mention a widow.
    C HARLIE B. Four kids. She don’t feed them properly. She smokes all day and drinks all evening. Nothing much to look at, she’s let herself go. She cooks bad. The house is a proper mess.
    LEONORA. Well, she’s out of the question, isn’t she?
    C HARLIE B. NO. She’s in the question.
    D APHNE. DO you love her, Charlie?
    C HARLIE B. Well, that’s questionable. But she loves me, that’s unquestionable.
    L EONORA. That’s a very important point, Charlie. You can’t afford to overlook that.
    C HARLIE B. You’re right. I can’t overlook it. We’ve had good times together when we’ve been together. Four kids, though.
    D APHNE. DO you like children, Charlie?
    C HARLIE B. Not so’s you’d notice it. I don’t mind them. But they like me, they’re very fond of me, those kids, I’ll say that for them. They look out for me