Free Doctors of Philosophy by Muriel Spark Page A

What university are you going to?
    L EONORA. Columbia.
    C HARLIE. Oh, Columbia. Yes, I thought as much. I warn you, Leonora, the man’s a—
    MRS. S . I quote from Hoffenbinder’s Psychology of the Intellectual, vol. two, page 368: ‘The academic environment frequently produces inconsistencies of attitude in the private life of the intellectual. In fact, it may be generally concluded that the more consistent the train of thought or public attitude in the developed intellect, the less consistency is to be observed in the private attitudes and utterances of the individual full stop.’
    CATHERINE. Yes, quite, Mrs. S. Leonora, we’ve welcomed you into our home. You’ve come with us on our holidays. We’ve given you every consideration and assistance that a family could give. Charlie has filled in your tax returns year after year. And now, just when we’ve been going out of our minds all morning over Daphne, you walk in and you say you’re going to America. You don’t mean this?
    CHARLIE. Can you do anything with this tape machine, Leonora?
    LEONORA. I do mean it. (Looks at tape machine.) But I’m afraid. That’s all I know.
    CURTAIN
    END OF SCENE I

ACT THREE
SCENE II
    S AME DAY. S AME ROOM.
D APHNE fixing tape recorder, MRS. S. watching.
    MRS. S. You got it working all right?
    D APHNE. Yes.
    M RS. S. You better take it back before it does any more harm. What did you do with the talkative portion?
    D APHNE. I put it in the stove. Have you got ten bob on you, Mrs. S.?
    M RS. S. Not today I haven’t. What you want it for?
    D APHNE. I want to send this over to Kensington in a taxi.
    M RS. S. Why don’t you take it yourself on the bus? Do you good to get out of all this and see some old friends. You owe me thirty-five and eight already, you know.
    D APHNE. You can have it on Monday. I don’t want to go to Kensington. I just don’t want to see anybody, any old friends, nobody.
    M RS. S. Why not? You aren’t showing yet. Let’s have a look. I should say you would carry it behind when you start to show.
    D APHNE. I might be sick. I would be sure to be sick.
    M RS. S. Send young Charlie.
    D APHNE. He’s having lunch at the Ritz with Annie. She doesn’t ask me to lunch at the Ritz, you’ll observe.
    MRS. S . You’d a fetched it all up. Waste a money. Send young Charlie when he comes back all aglow with his melon frappé followed by sole meunière accompanied with Chablis followed by Armagnac and wrapped in a cloud of contentment over Annie’s talk. ‘Darling young Charlie, it’s going to be so thrilling having another Ph.D. in the family, especially a handsome one for a change.’
Enter Annie.
    Annie. Charlie is heavenly, Daphne. When he does talk, it’s thrilling. He asked me to tell you he’s got an appointment this afternoon but he’ll be along later with his parents. I met Charlie out there just now, he’s got a new van. Where’s Charlie, is he in?
    D APHNE. Will you lend me ten bob till Monday, Annie?
    A NNIE. Of course, if you mean it literally. But if you’re being allegorical I’m afraid I haven’t got anything till Michaelmas.
    M RS. S. No, you don’t spend ten bob on taxi-cabs, if Charlie’s outside with a van. (Goes out on the terrace.) Charlie! — Here, Charlie, we need your services, my good man.
Enter CHARLIE BROWN .
    C HARLIE B. I was just about to pay you a call in any case. Coincidence. Where’s the doctor?
    M RS. S. Leonora’s quit practice. She has taken the step of accepting a job in America, like they all do sooner or later.
    C HARLIE B. (sitting down). I have something to unburden myself of to the doctor. Developments in my life. Make us a cup of tea.
MRS. S . goes.
    D APHNE. Charlie, could you run this machine over to an address in Kensington for me?
    CHARLIE B . Tomorrow morning I could, not today I couldn’t. My time’s not my own. I’m doing urgent delivery work, TV replacement service. People waiting.
    D APHNE. What time could you take it tomorrow?
    CHARLIE B. Ten