Free The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong by A.J. Adams Page B

are special-needs adults. We get a regular group of four people who we have to make their order the same way every time. The routine involves the four of them reading the menu board for about five minutes and then one of them ordering each of them a hamburger individually.)
     
     
    M E: “Hey! What can I get you?”
    S PECIAL-NEEDS ADULT: “I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”
    (An agitated customer who has been standing in line behind the group the entire time chimes in.)
     
     
    C USTOMER: “He would like four hamburgers. Can we hurry this up?”
    S PECIAL-NEEDS ADULT: “N O! I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”
    C USTOMER: “Oh my God!”
    M E: “S O if I got this right you would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger?”
    S PECIAL-NEEDS ADULT: “Yes, that’s right!”
    M E: “You know what I think you need? A high five!”
    S PECIAL-NEEDS ADULT: “You know I do!”
    (I high-five the guy over the counter and the other three all take a turn getting a high five.)
     
    C USTOMER: “This is just ridiculous!” *storms out of the store*

THROWING OUT THE BABY WITH THE BILL
    C ELL P HONE C OMPANY | U NITED S TATES
     
    (I take a call from a very shocked and frightened-sounding woman who manages to verify her cell phone account; the rest is gibberish. I wait politely for her to finish and respond…)
     
     
    M E: “…Uh, what?”
    C USTOMER: “My baby is trapped in the car and it’s on fire! I know I haven’t paid my bill in months, just turn the phone back on so I can call 911! Oh, GAWD!”
    M E: “Ma’am, I would advise that you call emergency services from the phone you are currently calling me on immediately. Forget your cell phone. Call 911 from the phone you are currently speaking on!”
    C USTOMER: “I can’t! I’m in the middle of nowhere! Hurry! The baby is crying!”
    M E: “Uh, ma’am … this doesn’t make any sense. Listen to me and listen good. HANG UP THE PHONE. PICK IT BACK UP AND DIAL 911. We can save your baby, ma’am!”
    (At about this time, I notice this warning on her account: “I don’t care if her baby really IS burning. She is NOT getting her service restored. She owes us over $3,000 and has yet to pay. “Shocked, I check the call logs on her account for that day. She has called over twenty times in forty-eight hours. Every single time, her baby was on fire in a car.)
     
     
    C USTOMER: *gibberish*
    M E: “Ma’am, we are not restoring service until you pay us. That baby has been on fire since yesterday and nobody believed you then, either. Your story just doesn’t make any sense. Maybe if you had a good, cohesive lie that added up you could get away with this … but I doubt it.”
    C USTOMER: “Dang.”*hangs up*

A NATION OF SIZE QUEENS
    I NFORMATION B OOTH | N IAGARA F ALLS, O NTARIO
     
    (I work at a tourist information booth set up along the path by Niagara Falls.)
     
     
    T OURIST: “Excuse me, ma’am. How do I get to the Falls from here?”
    M E: “The Falls? They’re just behind me. That one is the Canadian Falls, also known as the Horseshoe Falls, and that other one’s the American Falls.”
    T OURIST: “Why is the Cay-nay-dian Falls bigger than ours?”
    M E: “Geography, I suppose.”
    T OURIST: “I think you have it wrong. The big one MUST be the American one.”
    M E: “No, that one is the Canadian Falls.”
    T OURIST: “This is insane! I’m going to write my congressman and demand that that there big falls should be ours! You Cay-Nay-Dians shouldn’t have the big one!”
    M E: “You’re going to annex our Falls? Really?”
    T OURIST: “H*** yes I am! I have more of a right to it than you do!”
    M E: “But… it’s in my country.”
    T OURIST: “Well, we’ll just see about that!”*storms off*

IT’S THE THOUGHTLESSNESS THAT COUNTS
    M ALL | N ORTH C AROLINA
     
    (Every year I volunteer at the mall, wrapping gifts to raise money for