Free In This Life by Christine Brae

never came out of surgery,” he cried. “She’s gone. Gone!” He exhaled loudly to compose himself. “Come home, Annie. Please come home.”
    The phone slipped from my hand on the muddy ground, stealing the world from underneath my feet, leaving me with nothing but tears. By the time Dante wiped off his phone, I was dashing through the crowd, going against traffic, unsure about my destination but certain that I had to get away.
    “Spark!” Dante shoved everyone in his way to get to me.
    I could only think about the previous night’s phone call to my mother. Things didn’t work out the way I had planned. When my call was met by a male voice on the line, I was taken aback. Her lover was a living, breathing being, with a heart, a soul, and a voice. I hung up the phone and gave it back to Jude.
    I tried to push Dante back. “I have to go. Please!”
    “Anna, no. I’m here. Let me stay with you,” he pleaded. The comforting crush of his body managed to soothe my pain .
    “No, I’ll be okay,” I said, shaking my head. “Will you help me get my tickets, please?”
    He nodded his head and watched me walk away.
    I had to find Jude. I needed to inhale the fresh air he brought into my life before I suffocated to death.
    Death.
    An irony, wasn’t it? I’d been surrounded by it every day I’d been here, and now it had touched me from afar. All the way from the other side of the world, when I should have been buried deep in it here, holding it in my arms, begging it for forgiveness. I ran aimlessly through the village, past wooden huts and stone houses, past the squalor I had managed to overlook for two weeks.
    I couldn’t find him. The one who could comfort me. Jude was gone. And in a few hours, I’d be gone.
    For the past few nights, we’d been inseparable. While our days were spent in service to others, we selfishly guarded the privacy of our evenings in the hut that was our temporary home. We talked endlessly about our lives, our goals, our hopes and dreams. We shared the fears we had about what was waiting for us back home. We eased the burden of our inevitable departure by living in the moment, and we sought relief in the fact that forever was nowhere in the picture. That tomorrow was something that didn’t need to be discussed.
    I never asked him any specifics about his future. I figured it was too late. Goals without plans are just wishes. All we had were wishes. Our goals and our plans would never intersect.
    There was no way that I could leave without saying goodbye.
    And so I kept searching, pacing along the shore, sinking deep into my sadness. My legs felt like lead. With every step an effort, I decided to give in. Maybe if I allowed this sinkhole to swallow me, I wouldn’t have to face anything. I dropped to my knees, my face in my hands, and the sound that emerged from my throat was unknown. I keened, I wailed, I let it all out. I’d lost my mother, and my future would be filled with regret.
    “Oh my God. Blue?” Jude dashed up behind me and covered me with his body. “What happened?” I could see that he’d been out running. His hair and shirt were soaked with sweat and his breathlessness told me that he had finished his run with a sprint.
    “She’s gone! She left me! I was going to tell her that there was nothing for me to forgive! That I loved her no matter what!” I wasn’t sure whether he truly understood what I was saying. I heard my thoughts but not my words. They were buried against his chest, and his heart absorbed all my sadness. “It’s too late. I’m being punished for my selfishness. I should’ve called her sooner, I should’ve gone home. I’m never going to see her again.”
    “Shh. No, no. It’s not like that,” he whispered gently as he stroked my hair and held my face. “She was sick, Blue. And now she has her peace.” His voice, although soft, was marked by certainty. “Come on, let’s take you home.”
    “I have to leave in the morning , ” I said, gazing up