Free Mrs. Yonkers Is Bonkers! by Dan Gutman

1
A Computer in My Head
    My name is A.J. and I hate school.
    Do you know what would be cool? Instead of learning stuff in school, we should have computers built into our heads. There could be software for math, social studies, reading, and all that other stuff teachers say we need to know. Youcould just plug whatever software you need right into your head. Then we wouldn’t have to go to school anymore! *
    Think about it. If we had computers in our heads, we could spend more time doing stuff we want to do, like playing sports and video games and going to the movies and eating junk food. That would be cool. I would buy one of those computers in a minute. But I guess until somebody invents a computer you plug into your head, we’ll just have to keep going to school. Bummer in the summer!
    We had just finished circle time in MissDaisy’s class when Mr. Klutz came into the room. He’s the principal of Ella Mentry School, and he has no hair at all. I mean none . Hats must slide off his head because there’s nothing to hold them on.
    â€œTo what do we owe the pleasure of your visit, Mr. Klutz?” asked Miss Daisy. (That’s grown-up talk for “What are you doing here?”)
    â€œI wanted to try out a new joke,” Mr. Klutz said.
    Oh no! Mr. Klutz tells the worst jokes in the history of the world. **
    â€œWhere’s the best place to keep a remotecontrol?” he asked.
    â€œWhere?” we all shouted.
    â€œIn a remote location!” he said. “Get it? Remote? Location?”
    Mr. Klutz bent over laughing and slapped his knee even though his jokewas totally lame. We all laughed anyway. You should always laugh at the principal’s jokes, no matter how lame they are. That’s the first rule of being a kid.

    â€œBut seriously,” Mr. Klutz said, putting on his serious face so we knew it was time to get serious, “I need to talk to you about something. Dr. Carbles, the president of the Board of Education, wants us to bring Ella Mentry School into the 21st century.”
    â€œCool!” I shouted. “We’re gonna travel through time!” ***
    â€œThis is the 21st century, Arlo,” saidAndrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair. She calls me by my real name because she knows I hate it.
    â€œI knew that,” I said, even though I really didn’t. Only a smarty-pants-know-it-all like Andrea would know what number century it is. What is her problem? Who counts centuries?
    â€œHow are we going to bring our school into the 21st century, Mr. Klutz?” asked Andrea’s crybaby friend Emily, who is allergic to ferrets.
    â€œWe’re going to spiff up the place,” he replied. “We’re getting some new equipment, a security guard, a computer lab, and a computer teacher, too. In fact, she’sright outside. Would you like to meet Mrs. Yonkers?”
    â€œYeah!” said all the girls.
    â€œNo!” said all the boys.
    Mr. Klutz went into the hallway and came back with some lady. You’ll never believe in a million hundred years what she had on her head.
    I’m not gonna tell you.
    Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.

2
Say Good-bye to Sugar
    Mrs. Yonkers was really weird looking. She was wearing a polka dot skirt and one of those big foam fake cheese things on her head.
    â€œHowdy, y’all!” she said.
    She must be from Texas. People from Texas say “Y’all” and “Yee-ha” all the timeon TV. Nobody knows why.
    â€œIn my younger days,” Mr. Klutz told us, “I used to work with computers. But Mrs. Yonkers is a computer expert . What are the children going to learn in computer class, Mrs. Yonkers?”

    â€œWell,” she said, clapping her hands together, “we’re going to make our own websites, create computer art and computer music, and play virtual realitygames. I’ll show you some of my