Free Mrs. Yonkers Is Bonkers! by Dan Gutman Page A

own inventions, too. I have so many ideas rumbling around in my head!”
    â€œDoesn’t that sound like fun?” asked Mr. Klutz.
    â€œYeah!” said all the girls.
    â€œNo!” said all the boys.
    Actually it did sound like fun. I just like saying no when grown-ups try to get me to say yes.
    â€œToo bad there isn’t a computer program that makes up jokes,” Mr. Klutz said. “I could use one of them.”
    â€œI’ll work on that,” said Mrs. Yonkers. “This afternoon I’ll be seeing you kids in the new computer lab. But does anybodyhave any questions before I leave?”
    â€œWhy are you wearing a fake piece of cheese on your head?” asked my friend Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.
    â€œIsn’t it funky?” asked Mrs. Yonkers. “I bought it on eBay for twelve cents. Plus ten dollars for shipping. Any other questions?”
    â€œAre you a nerd?” asked my friend Michael, who never ties his shoes.
    â€œThat’s not very nice, Michael,” said Miss Daisy.
    But Mrs. Yonkers didn’t mind. She pulled up her sweater and showed us a T-shirt she had on underneath. It said NERDS R COOL .
    â€œSay it loud!” she shouted. “I’m a nerd and I’m proud!”
    Mrs. Yonkers is weird.
    A few minutes later, Mr. Klutz and Mrs. Yonkers left. Guess who walked in the door next? Nobody, because if you walked in a door it would hurt. But guesswho walked in the door way ?

    It was Mrs. Cooney, our school nurse! She has eyes that look like cotton candy, and she is beautiful. She wanted to marry me a while back, but I told her I wouldn’t because she’s already married to some guy named Mr. Cooney.
    â€œTo what do we owe the pleasure of your visit, Mrs. Cooney?” asked Miss Daisy.
    â€œMr. Klutz asked me to help bring our school into the 21st century,” Mrs. Cooney said.
    â€œHow are you going to do that?” asked Miss Daisy.
    â€œWell, a big problem these days is thattoo many kids are obese,” said Mrs. Cooney.
    â€œToo many kids are beasts?” I asked. I was thinking about beasts because I just saw this cool movie called King Kong .
    â€œâ€˜Obese’ is ‘fat,’ Arlo,” said Andrea.
    â€œSo is your face,” I told her.
    Andrea probably looked up “obese” in her dictionary. She keeps one on her desk so she can look up words and show everybody how smart she is. I hate her.
    Mrs. Cooney told us that kids need to eat more vegetables and other stuff that doesn’t taste good.
    â€œCandy and sweets rot your teeth and dull your mind,” said Mrs. Cooney. “Didyou know that a can of soda pop contains about nine teaspoons of sugar? They call it junk food for a reason.”
    â€œWhat’s the reason?” I asked.
    â€œBecause it’s junk!” she said.
    Oh. I thought it was a trick question.
    â€œHow are we going to get our students to drink less soda pop and eat less junk food?” asked Miss Daisy.
    â€œI’m glad you asked,” said Mrs. Cooney. She held up a poster that said SAY GOOD-BYE TO SUGAR on it. “Starting tomorrow, soda pop and junk food will no longer be allowed inside Ella Mentry School.”
    WHAT??????????????????????????????
    Did I hear that right? No more sodapop? No more candy?

    Suddenly everybody was talking and whispering to one another.
    â€œThey’ve gotta be kidding!” said Michael. “I’ll die without junk food.”
    â€œLife will be horrible,” said Neil, who we call Neil the nude kid even though hewears clothes.
    â€œThis is gonna be worse than National Poetry Month!” said Ryan.
    â€œThis is gonna be worse than TV Turnoff Week!” I said.
    â€œYou boys are silly,” said Andrea. “I think ‘Say Good-bye to Sugar’ is a great idea. I like healthy food. My favorite foods are herb-roasted chicken, fresh fruit, and baked soy chips.”