Free The Weed Agency by Jim Geraghty

line on runaway costs and to wipe out wasteful spending. In fact, he kept using this metaphor of menacing, relentless
weeds
overrunning the garden and choking out the needed growth of the American economy.
    Nicholas Bader … had been elected to Congress.
    Humphrey simply couldn’t get his mind around it; it was one of those names that never belonged in the same sentenceas “elected official,” like Sonny Bono—except that in the clearest sign that the world had spun off its axis, Bono was being declared a winner in a California House race.
    Congressman
Nick the Knife.
Representative
Big Bad Bader.
    It was late, Humphrey’s wife had urged him to come to bed twice, but he couldn’t stop clicking through the channels, waiting for the moment that the anchor would shout, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” and reveal that it had all been an elaborate prank. But no reassurance came. At least Ted Kennedy had survived his challenge from that wealthy Ken doll who would probably now fade into obscurity.
    Suddenly, the phone in Humphrey’s home office rang.
    “Hello?”
    “Humphrey … it’s
me
.”
    Bader
. In the background, Humphrey could hear the noise of a raucous victory party.
    “I suppose congratulations are in order, Mr. Congressman-elect.”
    “Thank you, Humphrey, even though I know you don’t mean that. I wanted to call you as soon as it was official.… I had thought about mentioning it in my victory speech tonight, but I figured you wouldn’t see it in Washington.”
    “Bethesda,” Humphrey corrected.
    “Wherever. In my original draft, I thanked you, because it was the thought of you that made me decide to run for office.”
    “I don’t know what to say to that, Mr. Congressman-elect,” Humphrey said, making no effort to hide his disgust. “I’m sure you have many happy supporters to thank—those corporations, those polluters, those misers so eager to see government workers tossed out in the cold.”
    Bader laughed. “Oh, Humphrey … I can’t wait to see you again. With subpoena power.”
    “I imagine we’ll be seeing a great deal of each other over the next two years,” seethed Humphrey.
    “Oh, yes, you can count on that. Do you remember that night at the Kennedy Center, when I told you that someday I was going to cut your budget down to a big goose egg?”
    Humphrey stared at the phone as the giddy congressman was briefly overcome by a laughing fit.
    “I’m coming for you, Humphrey.”
    The line went dead.
    The Republican Revolution was on its way.
    ----
    14 Joe Eszterhas,
American Rhapsody
, p.3.
    15 Jerry Tempalski, “Revenue Effects of Major Tax Bills,” OTA Working Paper 81, Office of Tax Analysis, US Treasury Department, July 2003.
    16
Common Sense Government Works Better & Costs Less
. Third report of the National Performance Review, September 1995, amount attributed to “changes in individual agencies.”
    17 Joe Klein,
The Natural
, pp. 64–65.
    18 “On Top of Old Stogie,”
The Washington Post
, February 16, 1996.

4

    NOVEMBER 1994
    Panic.
    “The United States Capitol: it looks the way it did yesterday, but after last night, oh, boy, have things changed,” declared the morning show anchor, unable to repress a tone of slight incredulity. “Good morning, America. I’m Charles Gibson, and that Capitol is a very different building this morning. It is in Republican hands.
Solidly
in Republican hands. Indeed, the House is Republican, the Senate is Republican, the majority of governorships, now Republican. The nation, right now, it would seem, is now Republican.”
    Humphrey called a midday Agency of Invasive Species staff meeting. For much of the morning, second and third cups of coffee were consumed, the morning papers were reviewed, radios and televisions remained on, stirring disbelieving groans every time Bob Dole was mentioned as the new Senate majority leader. Fifty-two Republicans had knocked off incumbent Democrats in the House at the morning hour,