Free X-Treme Latin: Lingua Latina Extrema by Henry Beard

Preface
PRAEFATIO
pry-FAH-tih-oh
    It’s often said that Latin is a dead language
    Lingua Latina saepe dicitur mortua esse
    LEEN-gwah lah-TEE-nah SIGH-pay DEE-kih-tuhr MOHR-too-ah EHS-seh
    Baloney!
    Nugas!
    NOO-gahss!
    It’s just been taking a long nap
    Modum iam pridem meridiatur
    MOH-duhm yahm PREE-dehm meh-ree-dih-AH-tuhr
    And it’s been talking a lot in its sleep
    Iam diu autem multa verba facit dormiens
    Yahm DIH-ooh OW-tehm MOOL-tah WEHR-bah FAH-kiht DOHR-mih-ehns
    In fact, you can’t get it to shut up
    Re vera, non potes eam in silentium redigere
    Ray WAY-rah nohn POH-tess EH-ahm ihn sih-LAYN-tih-uhm reh-DIHG-eh-reh
    Look around—Latin is all over the place, like a cheap toga
    Circumspice—Lingua Latina se pandit ubique tanquam toga qwevilis
    KEER-kuhm-spih-keh—LEEN-gwah lah-TEE-nah say PAHN-diht ooh-BEE-kweh TAHN-kwaum TOH-gah WIH-liss
    Lawyers use it to screw you
    Iurisperiti ea utuntur ut te defraudent
    Yoo-riss-peh-REE-tee EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr uht tay deh-FROW-dehnt
    Doctors use it to scare you shitless
    Medici hac lingua utuntur ut alvum evacues ex metu
    MEH-dih-kee hock LEEN-gwah uh-TOON-tuhr uht AHL-wuhm ay-WAH-koo-ays eks MEH-tooh
    Politicians use it to hide their tracks while they rob you blind
    Magistratus ea utuntur ad operienda vestigia cum te despoliant
    Mah-gihs-TRAH-toohs EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr ahd oh-pehr-ih-AYN-dah wehs-TEE-gih-ah kuhm tay deh-SPOH-lih-ahnt
    Priests use it to weasel their way out when they get caught playing hide-the-sausage with the altar boys
    Sacerdotes in stupro cum acolytis deprehensi ea utuntur ut se criminibus absolvant
    Sah-kehr-DOH-tays ihn STOOP-roh kuhm ah-koh-LEE-teese day-preh-HAYN-see EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr uht say krih-MIHN-ih-buhss ahb-SOHL-wahnt
    Even garden supply stores use it to get you to buy overpriced, short-lived houseplants
    Etiam venditores rerum hortensium ea utuntur ad persuadendum tibi ut emas maximo pretio plantas vitae brevis
    EH-tih-ahm wehn-dih-TOHR-ace RAY-ruhm hohr-TAYN-sih-uhm EH-ah uh-TOON-tuhr ahd pehr-swah-DAYN-duhm TIH-bee uht EH-mahs MAHK-sih-moh PREH-tih-oh PLAHN-tahs WEE-tye BREH-wihss
    The fact is, for too long these dirtbags have had a monopoly on this mighty tongue
    Diutius quidem haec propudia monopolio huius magnifici sermonis fruuntur
    Dih-OO-tih-uhs KWIH-dehm hike proh-POOH-dih-ah moh-noh-POH-lih-oh HOO-eeh-uhss mahg-NIH-fih-kee sehr-MOH-nihss frooh-OON-tuhr
    But now, thanks to this little book, you too can tap the awsome power of Latin to dismay the ignorant multitudes
    Nunc vero, huius libelli gratia, tu quoque potentia reverenda linguae Latinae uti potes ad indoctum vulgus consternandum
    Nuhnk WAY-roh, HOO-eeh-uhss lih-BEHL-lee GRAH-tih-ah, too KWOH-kweh poh-TAYN-tih-ah reh-weh-RAYN-dah LEEN-gwigh LAH-tih-nigh OO-tee POH-tehss ahd ihn-DOHK-tuhm WUHL-guhs kohn-stehr-NAHN-duhm
    And best of all, you’ll be able to insult and abuse one and all in perfect safety, using a language that everyone respects but practically no one understands
    Atque haec est optima ratio omnium: maledicere cunctis hominibus et contumeliam imponere satis impune poteris verbis augustis quae cum omnes magno aestimant, tum nemo ferme intellegit
    AHT-kweh hike ehst OHP-tih-mah RAH-tih-oh OHM-nih-uhm: mah-leh-DEEK-eh-reh KOONK-tees hoh-MIHN-ih-buhss eht kohn-tuh-MAY-lih-ahm ihm-POH-neh-reh SAH-tihss ihm-POO-neh poh-TEH-rihss WAYR-beese ow-GOOS-teese kwy kuhm OHM-nays MAHG-noh EYE-stih-mahnt tuhm NEH-mo FAYR-meh ihn-TEHL-leh-giht
    And as you pepper your speech with catapult-powered put-downs, remember the immortal words of Maximus as he signaled the attack in Pannonia
    Itaque cum spargis orationem tuam praepotentibus opprobriis, memento verborum immortalium quae Maximus fecit signum dans in Pannonia:
    Ih-TAH-kweh kuhm SPAHR-ghiss oh-rah-tih-OH-nehm TOO-ahm prigh-poh-TAYN-tih-buhss ohp-PROH-brih-eehs, meh-MEHN-toh wayr-BOH-ruhm ihm-mohr-TAH-lih-uhm kwigh MAHK-sih-muhss FAY-kiht SIHG-nuhm dahns ihn Pahn-NOH-nih-ah:
    Unleash hell!
    Solve lora infernis!
    SOHL-weh LOH-rah