Free She's All That by Kristin Billerbeck Page A

behind the door—which we don’t. But they came with the place. Even though we only lock three of them, they are trying my patience after my evening. I mean, Max-the-TV-King is dating a foreign Angelina Jolie, and they’ll probably give my grandmother “great grandchildren.” And even though we’re not related, it will be one more aspect of my open failure to Nana. I’m through the second lock when Nate opens the door.
    I look around him. “Nope, no nice computers or television sets. I am definitely on the right floor.”
    Nate shrugs. “Kim called me to be her designated driver tonight. She’s on her bed, laughing wildly at something now. And she smells like the gutter.” Nate hands me my Lysol bottle, which I’ve traded in for the essential oils mist that Poppy gave me to “get off the hard stuff.” Nate continues. “I thought I’d wait until you got home, if it wasn’t too late, just to make sure she didn’t try to escape or anything. I’ve never seen her this bad.”
    I can hear my roommate talking to herself and giggling uproariously.
    â€œYou should have seen the bar she was in. I would think you could catch something just by walking in.” Nate’s top lip curls. “I’m glad you didn’t pick her up. What a dump.”
    â€œSorry, Nate. I was at my grandmother’s.”
    â€œNo problem. I wasn’t doing anything, just watching Desperate Housewives in TiVo, which says a lot about my own life, wouldn’t you say?”
    â€œSort of, but at least you don’t get paid for watching it.”
    â€œHuh?”
    â€œNever mind.”
    â€œHow was your girls-and-goop weekend?” Nate asks, and isn’t it cool he remembered?
    â€œNullified by my Nana. As most moments of joy are in my life.” I plop my stuff down in the entry and head to the kitchen. I’m dying for Diet Pepsi. “Do you want something to drink? Or a pickle, maybe?”
    â€œI made some espresso for Kim. Do you want some? You look like you could use a cup. Or a pot.”
    â€œBut we don’t have a coffee maker,” I say, pointing out the obvious.
    â€œI brought my espresso maker down when Kim got settled. All it did was prolong her sleeping it off, but I didn’t know what else to do for her. Kim sure knows how to make a guy feel useless.”
    He brought his espresso maker down! For some reason this makes me want to cry. Why can’t I be attracted to nice guys like this? “Nate,” I say, with a well of tears in my eyes.
    â€œDon’t say that I’m a nice guy, Lilly. No guy wants to be told they’re nice! It’s like being told that you’re a golden retriever, when women want a bulldog. So just hold that thought because I’m embarking on a new life. I’m going to be the complete jerk from here on out. Kim’s rescue was my last attempt at knight in shining armor. I’m going for Bond from here on out.”
    I start to laugh. “You gotta lose Charley then, Nate. No jerk puts up with a dog whose ear drains and smells like something Roto-Rooter comes to fix.”
    He thinks about this for a minute. “Yeah, that’s my trouble, huh? I’m a sucker for the dog. Charley’s not leaving. He’s more welcome than any woman. I’ll have to be jerk enough to overcome him. I’m not really a leather jacket sort.” He rubs his chin. “I was thinking jeans with a tight T-shirt.”
    â€œSo, Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront ?”
    â€œSort of. Maybe Brad Pitt to bring it into the modern era.”
    â€œHe wore a dress in Troy . Too metrosexual. What about George Clooney?” I think about this. “Nah, too noncommittal. You’d never pull it off.”
    â€œThat’s it: George Clooney, or Simon Cowell from American Idol . That’s what I’m going for: noncommittal. I want women to fear me, think I’m