Free Dogs of Orninica by Daniel Unedo

ingredients we put in the gum and never dare put the vile stuff in their chubby little mouths.
    The chemical additives in the bubblegum, when combined with the antiperspirant, increase the rate of cancerous growths in the mouth, throat and stomach exponentially. So you can see how absolutely vital it is that the market penetration we get with this new product be as high as possible. The cancer business is our real bread and butter, anything else we involve ourselves with is just the cherry on top of a glorious giant gold tumor.
    One of our labs is currently hard at work putting together the most deadly influenza virus ever manufactured. It has the potential to cause countless fatalities all over the planet once it's released into the wild. There's currently a promising 35% fatality rate among the test subjects, but we're trying to climb it into the 50% range before we release the strain. We're currently negotiating to sell the vaccine to this medical marvel to every government worldwide, it could really give our company the kick in the pants it's been needing to climb out of this dreadful recession.
    The benefits of this new strain certainly outweigh the potential dangers, such as the possibility that the virus could mutate beyond our control and stop responding to the vaccination. As long as we avoid straying into slums and social housing projects, I'm sure we'll be just fine.
    As per norm, there will be one vaccine made available to the general public, and also a secret B vaccine with none of the horrible toxic side effects. The B vaccine will be issued solely to our families, a few of our invaluable employees, and a list of untouchable VIPs provided to us by the government. Please be sure to take the B vaccine as soon as it is issued to you, we wouldn't want to risk losing any of you fine folk. And when the A vaccine is administered at the schools, be sure to inform your local school that your pups have already been inoculated.
    I've always said that family must always come first, and this has always been a proud family company since day one. We care deeply about all your pups, after all, they are our future.
    Our lobbyists are currently working to woo the government into implementing my plan to strip families of their tax and welfare benefits if they refuse to vaccinate their offspring. It's very worrying that 1.4% of the population are actively resisting vaccination, we can't let this irresponsible behavior continue, or the number could continue to grow. The government agrees, but the politicians will all need the monetary incentive to change the law. We'll need to join forces with our competitors to buy enough influence.
    The mammogram machines we've been selling to all the airports, ports, bus and train stations are really starting to come into profit thanks to frequent travelers. But it's not enough to only be irradiating females, we need to put our heads together and come up with a way to get more machines built and sold that target male passengers. We'll probably need another terrorist attack to justify it, maybe this time we can have a foreign plastic surgeon advertise bargain prices for testicular implants? Well, I'm sure we can come up with a better plan than that, but we’ll keep it on the drawing board.
    We're also doing good business with our reward card program that rewards patients with cash money for every five medical scans they receive, or every fifteen prescriptions they have filled at pharmacies. It's had a great effect at encouraging poorer patients to make full use of their health insurance. We should start thinking about expanding the program to other territories, and increasing the rewards we offer. There are some cases where healthy patients are getting up to a hundred unneeded medical scans a year. It really pays off over time, when the radiation builds up inside them enough.
    On a more personal note, I want to thank you all for coming to the little get-together my wife threw for me on Saturday.