Free The Zombie Survival Guide: How To Live Like A King After The Outbreak by Etienne DeForest, Art Gelsinger

lucky enough to escape, you must be able to move quickly. Ditch whatever equipment and supplies that you won’t be able to easily carry, as they won’t do you a whole lot of good when you’re dead.
     
    When the time comes to make a run for it, load your shotguns with incendiary rounds if you have any. Although not recommended when engaging a few zombies at short range, as they have a tendency to mindlessly ignite everything around them as well (including your fortress), this is an ideal tactic when abandoning your compound. Who cares if your stronghold burns to ashes? Take a page out of Stalin's playbook and burn your fortifications to encourage the enemy's advance, and ultimately their death.
     
    Fire's effect on zombies is comparable to the effect of zombism on humans – it spreads rampantly and without compromise. Remember, humans are over 75 percent water, and as a result they do not burst into flames that easily. You may singe every hair on your ball sack while making your escape, but zombies, having lost most of their internal fluids, will go up like haystacks!
     
    Disburse incendiary rounds straight up the ass of the crowd that blocks your exit. Never mind the fact that their asses are not currently facing you; it’s a figure of speech. Although they do have a high tolerance for pain, the undead easily panic and scurry like roaches when lit aflame. Introducing fire into a crowd of zombies will result in an inferno you would swear Dante himself created.
     
     
     
    As the dead begin to smolder, retreat to your vehicles and use them to pulverize any who block your path, utilizing the raw power of your Chevy large block engine (my personal ideal). By now you should have attached a snow plow to your vehicle, or else fabricated something similar to those cow-clearing devices found on the fronts of trains. This accomplishes two tasks: One, it keeps the undead from smearing up your windshield when they splatter en mass. And two, well it really comes in handy for plowing snow when zombies aren’t around.
     
    Every moment you wait decreases your odds of escape. Your group is facing a dire situation here, and if you don't move quickly, you will all die. Also, do not exhaust any more of your supplies or ammo than you absolutely must on your way out of there. Conserve it for your journey to and the defense of your next fortress, wherever you may (and that’s a pretty big MAY at this point) find it.
     

Chapter 7
     
Zombie Training
     
    So ends the bulk of the handbook. Through careful study, you have by now learned the basic theory and practice behind zombology and anti-zombie counterinsurgency tactics, knowledge which will serve you well when the zombie apocalypse finally comes.
     
    However, lest you become bored with the constant cycle of fleeing and fighting against the unrelenting zombie hoards, this present chapter contains helpful suggestions for spicing up your struggle for survival through one of my favorite post-outbreak hobbies: Zombie training!
     
    It is a common misconception that zombies cannot be trained. Though it may be true that they can never be completely mastered, they can at least be capitulated once their will has been broken. After this, zombies can serve you in a variety of menial tasks, such as taking on the role of coat rack, custodian, or even court jester!
     
    However, to get a zombie to this point entails performing acts of brutality that would overcome the average man and drop him to his knees, pleading to the good lord above for forgiveness.
     

Phase 1
     
    Put on your sadist hat and prepare to inflict a beating upon your subject that will scar your fists as well as your soul.
     
    Attach a chain around your soon-to-be zombie slave. Approach it and wait for it to reach out in an attempt to grab your head and consume your brains. This is the behavior you are trying to suppress, so it is crucial that you recognize this exact moment when it occurs.
     
    It will not take long at first.