Free The Book of Great Funny One-Liners by Frank Allen

to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
    I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
    I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.
    I don’t think, therefore I am not.
    I doubt, therefore I might be.
    I feel better after I wine a little.
    I fish, therefore I lie.
    I had the right to remain silent, but I didn’t have the ability.
    I have the body of a god. Buddha.
    I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
    I love animals. They’re delicious.
    I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
    I plan to live forever. So far, so good!
    I said ‘No’ to drugs, but they didn’t listen.
    I thought I was indecisive; now I’m not so sure.
    I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
    I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
    I’m Not with Stupid Anymore.
    If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0!
    If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?
    If it ain’t broke, take it apart and fix it.
    If it isn’t broken, fix it until it is.
    If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.
    If today were a fish I’d throw it back
    If you are what you eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.
    If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
    If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
    If you can read this, I’ve lost the trailer!
    If you can read this, you’re not the president.
    If you can’t read this, thank the teacher’s union.
    If you observe this vehicle being operated in an unsafe manner, please try to think of it as one more anomaly in the cosmic order.
    If you’re happy and you know it see a shrink.
    If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
    I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
    I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
    I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
    I’m out of oestrogen and I’ve got a gun!
    I’m pink, therefore I’m SPAM.
    I’m still a hot babe, but now it comes in flashes.
    I’m supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?
    In America, anyone can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
    IRS: Be The Audit You Can Be
    Is it time for your medication or mine?
    It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
    I’ve heard about the evils of drinking beer, so I gave up reading.
    Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you’re a jerk.
    Jesus loves you! But I’m one of his favourites.
    Just say ‘NO’ to negativity.
    Karaoke bars combine two of the nation’s greatest evils: people who shouldn’t drink with people who shouldn’t sing.
    Keep honking while I reload.
    Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
    Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
    Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).
    Let’s skip the insults and get right down to your butt kicking!
    Life is short. So buy the shoes!
    Life would be easier if I had the source code.
    Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
    Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
    Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
    My drinking team has a bowling problem.
    My feminine side is lesbian.
    My mind is like a steel trap—rusty and illegal in most states.
    My mood ring says back off
    My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
    My mother was a moonshiner, and I love her still.
    My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).
    My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.
    Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.
    Never believe generalizations.
    Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
    Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
    New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico.
    Nuke the Whales! We’ll hunt them at night.
    Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
    Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
    Of all the