Free The Book of Great Funny One-Liners by Frank Allen Page A

things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
    Old age comes at a bad time.
    On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.
    On your mark, get set, go away!
    Out of my mind—back in five minutes.
    People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
    Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
    Procrastinate now.
    Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
    Rehab is for quitters.
    Resistance is futile (if > 1 ohm).
    Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.
    Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.
    Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
    Say ‘NO’ to drugs. That will bring the prices down.
    Screw world peace, visualize DRIVING.
    Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!
    Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
    So many cats, so few recipes.
    So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
    So you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute?
    Some days it’s just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.
    Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
    Sorry if I look interested, I’m not!
    Stable relationships are for horses.
    Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
    Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.
    Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren’t asleep.
    Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.
    That’s not a haircut, it’s a cry for help.
    The bigger the hat, the better the cowboy.
    The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.
    The control key on the keyboard does not work.
    The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
    The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.
    The meek shall inherit the earth—after we’re through with it.
    The Moral Majority is neither.
    The more you complain the longer God makes you live.
    The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
    The trouble with the gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard.
    There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
    Think globally, act galactically.
    This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.
    If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
    To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management.
    Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for solitaire.
    Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
    Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around.
    Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.
    Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
    Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
    Watch out for the idiot behind me.
    What we need is a patch for stupidity!
    Well, at least the war on the environment is going well.
    Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
    What if the hokey pokey is really what it’s all about?
    Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
    When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.
    Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
    When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
    Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
    Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?
    Without geometry, life is pointless.
    Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
    Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
    Worry. God knows all about you.
    WWJD (Who Wants Jelly Donuts?)
    Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!
    You—off my planet.
    You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
    Your body would look good in my trunk.
    You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

Father Machine and
Mother Nature
    Scientists have discovered the noise made just prior to the Big Bang, which sounds something like ‘oops.’
    Cully Abrell (James Clayton), American screenwriter
    If everyone on Earth stopped breathing for just an hour, the greenhouse effect would no longer be a