Free The Book of Great Funny One-Liners by Frank Allen Page B

problem.
    Jerry Adler, American actor
    Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.
    Virtual reality is a cutting-edge computer science project in which companies are investing millions of dollars in a frenzied attempt to reproduce an effect which can currently be achieved simply by looking out the window.
    Mike Barfield, American musician
    What is algebra exactly? Is it one of those three cornered things?
    J.M. Barrie, Scottish novelist
    The ants set an example to us all, but it is not a good one.
    Max Beerbohm, British caricaturist
    Monkeys and apes have the ability to speak but keep silent to avoid being put to work.
    René Descartes, French mathematician
    To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
    Paul Ehrlich, German immunologist
    Quod erat demonstrandum is Latin for, ‘Don’t argue with ME, you bastard.’
    Russell Bell, American actor
    The Internet is so big, powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life.
    Andrew Brown, British computer acientist
    Automatic simply means that you cannot repair it yourself.
    Frank Capra, Italian-American Director
    Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
    George Carlin, American comedian
    The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8 metres per second.
    Marcus Dolengo [Note: for those who forgot their high school science, 9.8 m/s is the acceleration due to gravity].
    If ants are such busy workers, how come they find the time to go to all the picnics?
    Marie Dressler, American actor
    A computer is like an Old Testament God, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
    Joseph Campbell, American mythologist
    The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
    Harlan Ellison, American author
    My dog understands every word I say but ignores it.
    Michael Green, British theologian
    The smallest hole will eventually empty the largest container, unless it is made intentionally for drainage, in which case it will clog.
    Dave Grissom, American musician
    The perfect computer has already been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
    Al Goodman, American musician
    In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
    Stephen Leacock, Canadian economist
    You ask me if I keep a notebook in which to record my great ideas. I’ve only ever had one.
    Only two things are infinite—the universe and human stupidity and I’m not sure about the former.
    Albert Einstein, German physicist
    A bishop wrote gravely to the Times inviting all nations to destroy ‘the formula’ for the atomic bomb. There is no simple remedy for ignorance so abysmal.
    Peter Medaway, British journalist
    The trouble with the Internet is that it is replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
    Patrick Murray, British actor
    The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a little.
    Eric Porterfield, British writer
    Have you ever smelled a rain forest? They stink. They stink worse than a 13-year-old’s bedroom.
    A.A. Gill, British columnist
    The best thing about the rain forests is that they never suffer from drought.
    Dan Quayle, American Vice-President
    Sex is just the mathematics urge sublimated.
    M.C. Reed, British mathematician
    82% of statistics are made up on the spot.
    Vic Reeves, British comedian
    Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
    James Thurber, American cartoonist
    The Internet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhoea—massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.
    Gene Spafford, American computer scientist
    If builders built buildings the way computer programmers write programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
    Reede Stockton, American writer
    Many snakes are actually quite