Free The Legend of the Ditto Twins by Jerry Douglas

you. Fuckin' proud of you."
    It was the
first time in my life I'd ever heard him use The F Word. But then it hit me: Of
course. Mom was miles away. I hugged him again, walked back to the house, waved without turning around, and
tossed my fortune cookie under the porch.
    In the
parlor, Uncle Clay was sprawled in the recliner, Lily on the floor, watching
"Jeopardy." When I walked into the room, he reached for the remote. I
smiled nervously.
    "Sorry.
Uh...I need to call home. I promised Mom. I'll call collect... or get the
charges and you can take it out of my first week's pay."
    "I
can afford a call to your mother," he replied with a cavalier wave
followed by a delayed reaction. "You don't have a cell phone?" His
shock quickly became a wicked smile. "No. Call her collect. That way, she
won't spend the whole fuckin' night pumping you for what's going on here."
    I
grinned, went into the hall, and placed the call—collect. I could almost see
Mom's eyes on her wristwatch as she lobbed one question after another at me. Obviously,
she was already having regrets, especially since my answers were all so
positive. Then I asked to speak to Clark.
    "Do
you know how much this is costing your father?"
    "We
won't talk long, Mom. I promise."
    I could
hear Clark take the phone from her. "Hi."
    "Thank
God she's too cheap to have an extension."
    "I
got us a surprise today," my brother said.
    "Gonna
tell me? No, of course not. She's standing right there, right? Okay, I'll do all
the talking. I miss you, I love you, I want to touch you, I don't know how I'm
ever gonna fall asleep without you tonight, I'm gonna try not to jerk off till
I get home Friday night."
    "Ditto.
All of the above."
    "Clark,
this place is unreal. And get this, Mom told Uncle Clay all about the Vaseline,
and he couldn't have cared less. You're gonna love him. He says fuck as often
as you say shit. Oh, God, I've got so much to tell you..."
    "Mom
says time's up." A pause. "God bless Mark."
    "God
bless Clark. I'm kissing you."
    "Ditto."
    The call
was terminated within seconds.
    Once my
erection had calmed down, I returned to the parlor. This time, Uncle Clay
reached for the remote and handed me a clipboard.
    "Here,"
he said. "Lily, show him the drill. We've got that fuckin parts salesman
coming first thing tomorrow."
    "Sure,
Clay." She stood and motioned me to follow. "There's nothing to it. A
moron could handle this."
    We moved
into the kitchen and out the back door into the yard, which was ablaze with
security lights. She pointed to a concrete lean-to that housed the office and
unlocked the door. I followed her into the warehouse where rows of
floor-to-ceiling metal shelving held hundreds of different auto parts, most of
them in numbered bins. Quickly, she explained the inventory system to me and
how to cross-check on the clipboard any given part with its location. She was
right: A moron could do it.
    After we
locked up, she asked if I wanted a beer. I thanked her but passed. So did she,
but we sat down on the back porch steps anyway. She produced a pack of
Marlboros and offered me one. I didn't even hesitate.
    "Do
you have a driver's license?" she asked as we lit up. "I don't, but
I'm taking the test again next month."
    "Is
it hard? Maybe we could study for it together."
    "Perfect."
She seemed enthusiastic about my suggestion but raced on without discussing
details. It seemed she had dozens of questions to ask me, but she was so hyper
that I never had to answer a one before she answered it for me.
    "Do
you like to go to discos? I know all these awesome clubs. I can g et you a
fak e I.D. No problem. You want to meet my friend Tanisha?
If I fix you up with her, you gotta go slow. She's still a virgin. Are you? I
am. Well, sort of. We used a rubber. But I give great head. Well, not really,
but I'm enthusiastic. Have you ever smoked grass? I love weed. I know this
dealer. Well, he's not really a dealer. He's my aerobics instructor at the
junior college I go to. You'll love him.