getting jealous and being cruel cos he KNEW the worst thing anyone could ever say to me was I didnt mean it when I say I love you, he always used to wank on about shit like how every time we come to London for a visit I just run straight round Ollys house and abandoned him in the hotel and obviously I'm just in love with him and always was and I should just go and stop wasting his time, it was horrible and unfair and I felt like I was getting GUTTED every time he said it cos that werent true AT ALL, only maybe in a way it kind of was. Maybe not being IN LOVE but yeah. I would of done ANYTHING for Lindsay, I would of died for him, most people say that and they werent even in the situation where you actualy decide your going to do it but I was and I meant it too, I would of died with him if it come to it, BUT if the one thing I could of done to prove I loved him was to stop seeing my best mate...... no way. Nobodys worth that, specialy not someone who uses it like an ultimatum. If ANYBODY says to me "Its me or Olly!" then sorry but you know where the door is.
Haha I'm in the living room with my notebook and biro and Ollys in the next armchair watching telly, he just asked me what I'm doing, I said I'm drawing and he tryed to see so I belted him with a cushion and moved down the other end of the couch. I dont know why its so weird telling him stuff like this when I'm always telling other people, I used to tell Lindsay I love him every single day. I hug and kiss all my other mates hello and goodbye ON THE MOUTH even the girls and thats people I dont even have sex with. Not Olly. Anywhere outside the house its like we never stopped being "just mates". Well he is just going to have to suck it up this one time and let me get it out my system cos I might feel better then.
Oliver Starling I LOVE YOU. Dont be embarrassed. Feel the love. No I dont mean put your hand in my pants. Just let me say it. You dont even have to say it back. I know. Its brilliant, its like one of them rare things you KNOW even without words or all this melodrama. I just want everybody else in the world to know too cos its so important to me. I dont know HOW to say it, all these words sound so shitty and trite but its there. I love you. Dont ever kick me out, I cant do without you. The best times of my whole life have been with you. Not even big things but little things most of all. Making the playdoh into rude bum shapes in juniour school. Racing bikes through the corridors in the block and playing knock-door-run on that old bag down the way til she got really angry. Running round the hills at Tintagel singing Camelot and doing coconut hoof noises like we aint grown up enough to know how to behave ourselfs. Getting sick of takeaways every night and braving the supermarket. That time in the photo machine thing when we was like 16 taking them pics of us snogging and leaving them there in the tray to horrify the old bitch next in the queue who gave me dirty looks cos my fingernails had a bit of paint on. Giving me your Labyrinth video when mine got chewed. Knowing on first meeting we had found someone special even though we werent even old enough for school yet. Love at first sight right? Go on, admit it. You cant resist me. I know I cant resist you.
Is this too poofy?? Yeah ok I'll stop now. You can beat me up if you like. I wont mention it again. Out of my system. And you fucking better not ever ACTUALY read my diary you bastard or next time I suck your cock I'm biting it off.
***
Two days later when Pip comes into the house to find Olly fingering that girl Roza he works with at the bar, he wonders whether he jinxed things by actually putting all that Olly-won't-ever-hurt-me crap into words. He doesn't say anything at first. Even if his throat wasn't closed up as tight as the eye of a needle, what kind of words are right for something like this anyway? He just stands there dead still in the doorway staring at them, trying to make sense of all the little