Free The Complete Sparkling Vampire Parody Collection (1-4) by Lacy Maran, Kevin Michael Page A

was a no show.  And then again the next day.  Had I driven him to a life of solitary alpaca farming?  Had she skipped town and joined a band of nomadic unicycling mime's?  Or maybe he just had diarrhea.  Wait a minute, perfectly good hunks didn't ever have runny poop.  Immediately I scoured for the nearest alpaca farm.
    After popping a few over the counter horse tranquilizers, I calmed down.  Well, as much as a teenage girl deep in irrational infuated lust could.  Much to the exasperation of my ping ponging emotions, the hunk returned the following day with his luscious loins all accounted for.  Luckily for me, he also decided to bring some chill pills along with him, allowing us to have a genuine conversation instead of a staring contest into the abyss.  Granted the conversation was about complex carbohydrates, but I got a sweet tooth just looking at the guy.
    But from a couple of syllables to a breakthrough we went. And I had a dumbass to thank for it (yay for stupidity).  It turned out parking lots were dangerous places (and surprisingly enough this story did not involve a geezer from Florida driving like a blind bat).  It did however involve a pick up truck on a collision course with my mortality.  But before some dumb teenage driver ran me over (is there any other kind?), a knight with skin as pale as armor swooped in out of nowhere and saved my heiny.  My life flashed before my eyes, peanut butter stained unicorn pajamas and all, but it turned out the afterlife didn't have a reservation for me.
    It was the most amazing moment of my life, except the fact that I pooped in my panties.  You'd think after saving someone's life, you'd want to stick around to have a parade thrown in your honor.  At the least he could have let my buy him a day old donut from the cafeteria.  But Hunky couldn't wait to get away from that scene.  He was off like a butt naked bandit fleeing a nude beach filled with manboobs.  Meanwhile I was left to ponder, ruminate, and do other deep thinking adjectives.
    "Hey dumbass, get out of the road," a Kid said from his car.
    Sidenote: if you're going to get existential, you shouldn't do it in the middle of the road.
    ***
    I couldn't stop thinking about almost being flattened like a pancake.  All the way up until the accident, Hunky was nowhere to be found.  Then all of a sudden at the last moment he swooped in faster than a ninja.  Sure I was happy to be alive and pouting again, but the whole rescue seemed ridonkulously improbable.  I figured it was time to get sleuthing.  And who better to do that with than a lovestruck puppy dog of a neighbor who didn't have a shot in hell of winning my affection?
    "I know he just saved your life, but I make some mean brownies.  I think we could have some real fun together," Second Fiddle said. 
    "I want someone I can mope with," I insisted.  "Now tell me everything you know about Hunky McBrooding."
    "You don't want him.  The guys a vampire.  Well, rumored to be a vampire.  And if you're going to date a weirdo creature of the night, let's be honest, it should be a werewolf.  Good thing I might happen to know one--"
    "A vampire?  Swoon to the moon."
    "You know vampires have no soul, right?  Werewolves meanwhile--"
    "Why do you keep bringing up werewolves?  Could you imagine the kind of bad breath a hairy mess like that would have?  Besides, he'd probably always want to do it doggystyle.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting with a sexy pair of fangs. "
    ***
    "Why don't you just admit you're a vampire so I can fall hopelessly in love with you?  I've thought of a whole bunch of boneheaded ways I can risk my life so you can sweep in at the last minute and save me," I bragged.
    "Vampires are no more real than athlete's foot or crooked politicians," Hunky insisted.
    "Uh, Hunky...almost all politicians are crooked," I pointed out.
    "In that case, it looks like you've outsmarted me.  Maybe we should fall instantly in love and frolick